I'm a solopoly who tends to only date other solopoly people. But I'm on this sub all the time seeing shenanigans and lack of introspection from married people. Below are a few thoughts/recurring themes.

• You are married, you have a hierarchy. Whether it is the default time you have in the kitchen while you get ready in the morning or the medical, legal, and tax benefits you have or the fact that all of your families came together to celebrate your union however many years ago. You have a hierarchy. Stop telling partners (especially those new to poly) that you don't- it's gaslighting to tell a partner who doesn't live with you that it's the same- they know it's not.
• In addition to above- you are not a relationship anarchist if you are married. If you are benefiting from the tax and legal benefits of marriage- that is not anarchy. You cannot invite the government into your relationship and be an anarchist. It's like a hedge fund manager saying he doesn't believe in the banking system. People who aren't married have to figure out who will take care of them after surgery if they don't have a NP, they have to pay extra in taxes, they have to have wills in place in order to make sure any partner gets anything if they die- these are things that are BUILT into the system if you're married. You can still make independent choices on how you operate relationships if that resonates with you, but don't co-opt a term for a lifestyle with obstacles you don't have to face.
  • EDIT- Since this seems to be so triggering to so many people. If you are legally married you do not get to choose how your social security benefits are distributed after death, who is affected by your credit score, who you get to share your tax credits with, the amount of money you pay in inheritance tax, who gets access to your workplace benefits then you are not fully getting to choose the smorgasbord. If you disagree with this, dope. Love that for you. But for me, it's a red flag that someone doesn't understand the depth of legal entitlement and access that marriage gives to someone. If you disagree and just think that you can be RA because you believe it, cool. I'm not going to argue.
• Be HONEST about what you have to offer partners from the start. Stop telling secondary partners that they are equal to your wives, stop bragging about your job stability and house if you can't host, stop telling people you love them if you have no intention of emotionally supporting them if it's inconvenient to you. It just oozes of people who will say anything in order to get laid.
• Your wife/husband does not get to know intimate details of your other partners (unless you have explicit consent). It is ok to tell your NP that you slept with someone as that affects their health and safety. But if you don't have permission to talk about sex acts or share photos or stories, your compersion does not override their consent.
• If you're essentially offering a twin mattress on a floor, don't be surprised that single people aren't flocking to be your fwb on dating websites. If you have weird rules, limited time, inability to host, no emotional investment, and nothing financial to share... why would you be surprised that single women aren't blowing down your door to sleep with you? There are a million single dudes who can at least offer one of those things above that you are competing with.

Just a reminder- being married and being poly isn't bad. Hierarchy isn't inherently bad. But stop lying to people in order to sleep with them. You can still treat partners with love and respect and be married. But stop co-opting terms and lifestyles that do not align with the choices and lifestyle you lead.