For context I’m poly but fine being in monogamous relationships for that most part and have bpd

Sometimes I hate being poly so much. I love my partner and love being with him but I feel like I’m cheating on him by having feelings for another person. Ik that’s not how it works and im not acting on these feelings so I’m not doing anything wrong but I just feel so horrible. I hate that I want more than just my partner I feel so selfish and like a horrible person, I care about him so much and want him to be happy but I feel like my identity is getting in the way. Some times I’m completely fine with my feelings and other times I feel so guilty, ik this is cuz of my bpd but it’s just so hard. I wanna feel normal I hate it so much, it already hard enough being queer, I hate feeling like a dick too. Does anyone else feel this way? Idk how to cope with this.