I (18F) think I’m in love with my best friend (Dia 19) and my gf (Maeve 18-NB)

Everything hurts rn. My brain from figuring wtf to do, my heart from being around them, and my feelings because I am breaking all the boundaries I set up for myself.

For context, my best friend just came back into my life. Me, Dia, Dia’s now ex, and another friend were in a very toxic friendship together that I left around late June for my mental health. I requested nobody talk to me and even cut off my other friend after for belittling me about leaving or causing them pain. Me and Dia were on strained terms yet everything reminded me about them, our special interests, my dad because Dia was his favorite, them constantly popping up on my fyp, they’d haunt my dreams, they’d look at my story (which I thought they were stalking me on like my other friend did to harass me so I got super angry, but they just did it to respect my distance but also make sure I was okay and that they ‘missed me too much’).

I tried to find a reason to hate them, I couldn’t. There was two reasons I cut off the group INCLUDING them in the first place was because 1. The toxicity and 2. Because I didn’t want Dia to deal with being monkey in the middle because of my selfishness. They dealt with it in the past, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for that. They didn’t deserve it.

We reconnected 2 weeks ago tho. Dia typed out a long apology paragraph for breaking no contact, apologized for everything and everyone, and said I owed them nothing but they still wanted to know more of what they did to ruin everything. They wanted to be better, grow better, and was so sorry

And I cried so hard. It was as if my dream had come to life and was talking to me. And when I told them that my reasoning to leave, they said that they understood and thanked me for protecting them. My heart ached to hug them, hold them and tell them that I missed them, to tell them I’m the one that’s supposed to be sorry.

We had a heart to heart that day and decided to be friends again slowly at my pace. That day my mom told me that I looked like I was finally happy. She, who hated the group for what they did, showed no hatred towards me after I confessed that me and Dia were talking again. My dad said ‘About time’ and ‘I told you so’.

Everyone seemed to know that my heart still held their place. That my messages had that empty pinned spot waiting for them. It felt so stupid and yet so right to say I love you’s to them, us both adding platonic at the end as if we both forgot. I feel complete with them and Maeve.

Now that we’re caught up on that part, let’s me talk about my Gf.

Maeve and I were flirting/talking for about a month when stuff hit the fan with my group and to say they were my support system through this would be an understatement. They say all the parts of me that I was ashamed of, all the parts that I now work on for them, everything about that group- they saw everything and when I asked why they still talked and flirted with me. They always said “I like you and choose you.” After cutting off the group and coming out to my family officially, I said yes to their confession they made earlier that month and we’ve been dating ever since. I love Maeve so much. We choose one another, we’re a team, we’re each other’s rocks through bad situations- I love them so much that I feel awful even trying to be hesitant on this.

But I love both of them. I had a crush on both from the moment I met them (both physically and when understanding their true selves I fell HARD, hell I got a bloody nose with Dia 3 years ago and was scarlet with Maeve on call). I pushed down my crush on Dia for years since they were in and out of relationships and I wanted to be their support but we’ve always been…more. The lingers, the stares, hugging being more like pieces fitting together than casual, them saying “If we aren’t taken in the future, I’d marry you.”- Maeve doesnt fall short either with them making my inner child laugh, my eyes dilating in photos with them just doing the littlest things, their mom showing off baby pictures to me after only a month of dating HAH, them introducing me to their friends just for the friends to invite me to come over there to be with them (Me and Maeve are long distance btw).

Both make me smile, glow, complete, ache in sooo many ways, and I- realize that’s love. I adore and love them both so much. I see Maeve through Dia sometimes and vice versa. I long to hold both of them.

Dia was the one who introduced me to polyamory (they were in a lot of poly relationships) and Maeve told me themself that they were polyamorous but they’d wait to jump into another relationship until after school. It feels like everything just aligns so…good?

Those two share the same hobbies, music taste, and if they met I think they’d become fast friends but by no means am I making this a triad or pushing dating them both (including Dia cause I’m already dating Maeve) until the later future because there’s so many factors and I do NOT want to rush this. I just got Dia back!! I just…I need advice. I need reassurance. I need a drink. I need….them, both of them.

Before anything tho, I want to make clear I did not settle or use Maeve as a rebound cause I couldn’t have Dia. I love them a lot but it’s different, they are similar but DIFFERENT (I have a personality type LOL), and in all honesty if Maeve feels uncomfortable by this if/when I tell them, then I will talk with them about it more but if they stand firm then I’ll shut it down cause my priority is the relationship I currently have not my selfishness especially right now with my over the moon head rn at having both of them in my life currently. Please understand that respect I have for both of them.

Thank you for your time and have a wonderful night or day!!! Advice and personal experiences are welcomed and appreciated! Please try to be understanding in my shoes tho!!

Edit: Ah seems like I’m not clear on something. Although Maeve says they’re poly they haven’t seen anyone besides me (even though I consented to be open, they just haven’t had time).

I’m asking if I’m in the wrong for wanting to date my best friend as well, because I’ve seen alot of ‘Don’t date your friends’ ‘Your partner will feel uncomfortable’ stories on here and I wanted advice on how to navigate asking Maeve or going forward with asking Dia out in the future. I don’t know the right mindset to have. I’ve tried having a sit down about poly boundaries with Maeve before but they always put it off with “Oh rn we don’t need to worry since we’re both not dating anyone rn (Separately dating)” And other excuses and I’m scared to sit her down with a “I found someone conversation” to start a boundary conversation.

Edit 2: One more thing to add. I don’t meant to make it sound like Maeve has the power to veto who I date or blah blah, I’m more concerned about how to talk about Dia without making Maeve feel second choice because I ‘couldn’t have Día’ since I never thought about Polyamory for me until Maeve brought it up. This is my first relationship in general and I know being Polyamorous means communicating.

All I’m asking for is advice on how to communicate the right approach, how to ask Maeve to sit down and have a big talk about boundaries in polyamory, and even relationship advice or experiences telling your bestfriend ‘Hey I’ve had a crush on you’. I need help on that.

Yes, we’re all polyamorous or looking for partners (the only reason Me and Maeve don’t already is because of SCHEDULDING making it hard for even the two of us). No I’ve never dated my friends or anyone else before Maeve. And yes I want to take it slow because it’s really important that the two most important people in my life don’t feel like I’m talking to them for convenience (since I just got Dia back and Maeve will eventually have to know I’ve been crushing on Dia longer than I have known/dated them). I need advice on how to communicate and how to secure both sides on this.