I'd (21F) like some thoughts on a conversation I had with my husband (25N) recently.

I brought up to them (my husband, while having a "husband" title as my married partner, is nonbinary and uses they/he pronouns) that I was a little worried they'd start to get weird feelings if my partner was "more dominant" (in the context of my life, naturally) than they are. I don't have a partner, but I did start the slow process of meeting a new person I'm pretty hopeful about. I wanted to have the conversation to get the thoughts out ahead of time, because I know that they’d have thoughts about it. The conversation ended like it always does (okay-ish), and they said they’d work on it (which I don’t even know what that means in the context of this conversation).

I'm already a pretty strong personality, and I tend to "wear the pants" in the relationship, you could say. It's a bit reductive looking at it that way, but I do think that my involvement with almost everything regarding our household lives has lead to me feeling this way. We've talked about this quite a few times, and while it doesn't actually bother me a ton, I find myself wishing I could not be the person who's name is on everything all the time. My mental energy is definitely limited, and I feel the need to make sure that I make things right all the time, for both of our sakes. That said, we've been through hell together and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

We're not particularly well off, and my husband is a creative with a lot of trouble handing the intricacies of reality. I love their energy, but they're prone to falling into pits of their own creation. Sometimes they won't come up and just talk to me about what happened, they'll beat himself up about it for a solid bit. They shut down constantly, and while I think it's partially due to their autism, it's every day. I'm working on getting the necessary therapy for them (they're also of the mind that speech therapy would possibly help), but things are slow on that end.

Our conversations are always substatiantial, and we never really end on a "sour" note but we also never really end on a "good" note. They've got a lot of insecurities, compounded by the fact that as a neurodivergent person, they have trouble conveying their emotions and thoughts. I'm pretty good about saying what I feel, but I learn things later from my partner all the time that give me little frustrations because I didn't know at the time of the event. The answer is always "I want you to be happy", but honestly it kills my vibe every time I find out about something. I've asked them to share everything with me, but they still hold back out of fear of upsetting me. I understand their concerns, but explaining that I care about them too can be exhausting.

The thing is, we have a good relationship otherwise. We're very ambiverted (mostly mirroring my social energy), and we have a good groove where we talk to each other about everything. They're not a very social person, but they like being part of the conversations I have. They're very collaborative, and we've been really getting closer with a new art project of ours.

What the reasonable approach to this conversation? How does one delegate as to not feel overwhelmed? What strategies can I employ to better support my partner's mental health and communication skills? How can I balance my emotional and practical responsibilities while ensuring the relationship thrives? Are there any poly-specific strategies that might help both of us feel more secure and supported in our dynamic?

I would appreciate some grace also. I know Reddit likes to be scathing and realistic, but I'm just a human being trying to make sense of my reality as it is now. I posted in the polyamory forum as I feel this may apply best to this group, and I just know if I go anywhere else they'll redirect me. I have so much anxiety about posting to Reddit I ask ChatGPT every time if I'm crazy lol.