Hi, all!

My wife (F39) is new to polyamory and was acting like a de facto hinge between myself (M38), her now platonic husband, and her boyfriend (M45) of almost 2 months. I have a boundary of not having any of her metas or her boyfriend over at our house. I don't get to host either. My wife pushed for hosting her boyfriend at night when my son and I are home and also in the daytime when my son and I are both away. We reached a trial compromise--I envisioned getting over my boundary in the name of loving my wife and her happiness. The compromise was to host him only twice a month at night while I was present in case my son woke up at night. Days would be unlimited, although he would only be available on Monday mornings.

My wife agreed, but voiced that she disagreed with the frequency of visits at night. We wrote the agreement down and all the conditions, like having warning of having the boyfriend over, limiting her hotel usage, etc. Awhile passed and she wasn't comfortable with the compromise, so we didn't enact it. About 2-3 weeks later she said she wanted to initiate the agreement. At the same time she wanted me to get along with the boyfriend and gave me his number. We all met before and went over the terms of the agreement. My wife and I discussed his exit time from the house, which would be a bit before I left for work. The boyfriend was hosted one night. In discussing things after my wife told me that she still thought the frequency was under negotiation. I told her that because we had things in writing and because the agreement was initiated by having her boyfriend over, I thought she was agreeing to what we had written, with negotiations being over.

She was adamant that the frequency should be more, I disagreed and pointed to the written agreement. I then contacted the boyfriend via text to clear up the misunderstanding my wife and I had about it. I didn't make any demands of him, I simply told him that my wife was under the impression that he would be hosted more times than twice a month at night that month. He revealed that my wife told him twice a week he would be hosted. He also agreed not to cross my boundaries and to stick to the twice a month number of night visits.

The boyfriend shared the text communication with her and she accused me of going behind her back and trying to assert dominance. I talked to the boyfriend respectfully, mostly outlining fears I had about where my wife was taking things, i.e. melding families and my son meeting him and his family. I appealed to him that if my wife went against the agreement and other promises she made, he didn't have to go along with it.

My question is did I go behind her back? She gave me his number and told me to try to be friends with the boyfriend, and never told me she was a de facto hinge or that it was her job to alert the boyfriend of things concerning the agreement that was between the 3 of us. Did I do wrong by contacting him to clear up the misunderstanding?