So, I'm going to be up front and say that this post goes out to anyone who's struggling right now, or doubting themselves, or going through a rough patch in life.

Let's start at the front, shall we?

I suffer from a lot of both physical and psychological issues. Bipolar 1, severe anxiety, severe depression, hallucinations, and severe polyneuropathy due to diabetes. I have struggled much in my life. I've had six suicide attempts, and dozens of close calls. I've been hospitalized at least four times, but honestly I've lost count at this point. As recently as February, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation.

In that time, I've been monogamous. My first girlfriend, when I was a teenager, tried to commit suicide when her mom grounded her and she couldn't talk to me for a week. Not to say anything bad about her, we're still friends, but it did affect me. My next girlfriend led me on for a while, then chose another man over me. My dumb self even followed her to the college she was going to and supported her during her long distance relationship with that man. After my first suicide attempt and psychotic break, I was hospitalized and dropped out. She would later go on to be found assisting this man with the acquisition of child pornography, nearly ending her college career and very nearly landing them both in jail. My next girlfriend was the most tame, and was the one who I first got intimate with, but she abandoned me a week after we had sex for the first time. My first experience ever. She would later go on to marry and then divorce my brother, so there's that. My next girlfriend was abusive and lied to my family, saying she'd been kicked out of her house to live with us. I was so miserable in that year that I had a suicide attempt over it. After her came another brief one. It lasted a week, and after this girl practically attacked me sexually, she threatened to call the police and claim rape because she was "raised to believe sex should be for reproduction only. That's what God intended." We didn't even have penetrative sex. It was oral only.

My next one was the biggie. I met her and we talked for a year before we even met in person. I would later come to find out she was having hookups at the bar nearly every night while talking to me that entire time. But she decided to give me a shot. I'll spare you the details, but I wasn't allowed to have any friends, dropped all of my hobbies, and would honestly spend time alone just absolutely breaking down nearly constantly. I tried to commit suicide three times while with her as a means of escape, and was hospitalized four times, once for twenty one days. She was narcissistic and manipulative, so while she claimed my parents were "too much" and wouldn't let me see them, she made them love her. I have always struggled with pressure from my parents, and after my first suicide attempt we didn't speak for a solid year. They're much better now, but still bad. All that to say, when we would split up, my entire family and what few friends I had would pressure me into taking her back. And I gave in.

We dated for three years, then I asked her to marry me. And when that happened, things got so, so much worse. I fell out of love with her quickly after, and stayed out of obligation. Her grandmother, who was an absolute angel of a woman who I dearly loved, was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. During this time, I was not allowed to even be upset about anything in my life. I could not talk to my then fiance about anything that wasn't positive, or I'd be told either that she couldn't handle me being upset, or that I needed to call my doctor and go talk to him about it. After her grandmother passed, I'd finally had enough.

She claims she left me, but I was the one who started the conversation and had the issues. It was hard, but I didn't love her anymore. So we split up. After, she threatened to call the police because I wasn't willing to let her come over and comb through my room for anything she wanted, then told my mother over text that she had screenshots of threats she'd received from my mother, which was a complete fabrication, and also that she had filed a civil court case against me, which was another lie. I blocked her on everything and haven't looked back.

The cherry on top? My best friend that I've known and trusted since I was eight years old called me manipulative and took her side. We don't speak anymore. I mourned it as if he had passed away. It still hurts.

That was seven months ago now. I'm 29, nearing 30 in February. I'd always imagined I'd be happy by now. But, life has continued to kick me while I'm down. I had nothing and nobody. I was hopeless and helpless. I even had to switch doctors because one refused to see me anymore because I wasn't trying to help myself.

This is where the story turns around, though. I was on my Facebook feed one day, and saw a picture a girl had drawn of Stitch, from Lilo and Stitch, and it was beautiful. I have a newly adopted 8 year old sister who is obsessed with Stitch, so I offered to buy it and commission another from her, and she accepted. We proceeded to talk non stop for eight hours that day, and have since become so close we call each other siblings. In that time, due to her friendship, I began taking therapy and my meds seriously, and have reached a stable place.

And while that all sounds nice, this next part is pure magic.

I decided to make a post in the r4r subreddit looking for a female gaming buddy. I was lonely, and just looking for a friend, with potential hopes of more. One person, and one person only, decided to message me. We've since become very close friends, and voice and video chat every other day or so on discord, and text quite a lot. She's amazing. I'm lucky to have her.

She turned out to be polyamorous. We discussed it quite a lot, and after quite a bit of soul searching, I decided to give it a try. So I put up a post in the poly r4r and got a few messages here and there, but they didn't really go anywhere. So I gave it a day and revised the post with much more detail, and got two messages. One of which has become a good friend who I enjoy talking to.

The other? Let me see if I can express it this way: I'm an atheist who never believed in fate. I think I do now. Because either we were meant to meet, or there is a god out there who's playing some sick joke, or I'm dreaming at the moment, or there's a glitch in the matrix, or something.

She is hands down the most amazing person I have ever met, or will ever meet. We have everything in common, we get along so well it's scary, we communicate constantly and honestly and openly. I trust her, which is rare. I'm honest with her. I don't put on a mask or hide anything from her. I'm totally and honestly me with her, and she accepts that and embraces it. We have slight disagreements over things like our religious views, but we respect each other in everything. She's nested, and had two partners at the time of our meeting.

Last night she told me she loved me and she's now my primary, and for the time being, only partner. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. My depression is completely gone, and when it and my anxiety flare up, she's right there with me. She's expressed to me that she's waited her entire life dreaming that someone like me would come along.

I'm in tears right now typing this, but I never thought I could find someone who was so incredible. Nothing is truly perfect, but she's without a doubt the closest I've ever seen come to it. I'm looking forward to growing with her. The more we get to know each other, the more she amazes me, and the more in love I am.

I started this post by saying it goes out to those who felt the way I did. I'm ending by telling you that I can now say from personal experience that there is hope. It may come from the most unlikely of places, but it is out there, and it will find you. You're here for a reason. We all are. I see that now, from personal experience. Never, and I mean never ever, give up hope for your life.

You are worth it. Life gets better. I promise.