Hi all. Help me out here, please, I think I might be losing my mind.

I - let’s call me Ashley - have two current partners. This post is about Berry, who I am not married to and do not live with, but I am also married to Charity, who I do live with.

For historical context, about eight months ago things were rocky and it looked like Charity and I might be getting divorced. This would have allowed the possibility - given time, and sufficient care and respect for Charity - the possibility of escalations with Berry, like moving in together, children, etc.

Charity and I eventually did not get divorced and are trying to work on the marriage, which was extremely difficult for Berry (and in many ways for me too, because my feelings for Berry are very strong).

Fast forward to now. Berry and I have continued dating and Berry has worked hard to come to terms with the limits imposed on our relationship by virtue of my marriage to Charity.

Berry is now understandably keen to find someone they can live with, have a family with, etc, while hopefully sustaining a relationship with me. I fully support this, and - since Berry and I have been friends a long time, and Berry has always come to me for advice and to talk through their feelings - Berry tells me lots about their dates.

The problem is, I can’t help thinking Berry’s choice of partners is terrible. Berry has let things fizzle with prospective partners who seemed great, self-aware, were experienced with polyamory, happy for Berry to date me, etc.

And Berry has instead recently sought out involvements with men who seemed the opposite of these things.

Berry has now started seeing a man (let’s call him Derrick) who ticks a LOT of red-flag boxes for being potentially a controlling and manipulative partner, and joking on their second date about how “Ashley will have to go hahaha.”

Everything about Derrick makes me feel uneasy - like the best case scenario is that it will just lead to the end of Berry’s relationship with me, and the worst is that Berry would be treated horribly.

When Berry told me about this I expressed my reservations as kindly as possible, and Berry has reassured me that they addressed the joke, that no new partner is going to make Berry just dump me, etc. But I know what manipulative people are capable of, and I am afraid of what might happen.

This turned into a huge fight between me and Berry, whose response was to point out that I chose to stay married to Charity, I had my chance, and I don’t get to tell her who she can and can’t date, etc.

I know this is true, and I would never presume to tell Berry who she can and can’t date. I want to support Berry in finding partners who will add to Berry’s life and make Berry happy.

But I don’t know what to do. It feels like a slow-moving car crash is going to happen, and I don’t know how to protect Berry or myself or do anything without making things worse.

Was I wrong to express reservations at all?

Can I tell Berry that I might need to step back if the thing with Derrick progresses?

How can I help Berry understand that I’m not just being controlling myself?

What if that’s what I AM doing??