My boyfriend is going out with a friend tomorrow night. He’s an introvert that rarely goes out with others, so I’m not practiced here. Also, we’ve been dating for 8 months, and we each have a spouse.

Boyfriend and I almost always say goodnight as a part of our routine. We are long-distance and this ritual gives me a huge sense of consistency and comfort.

When this gets missed- it is hugely disregulating for me, and then boyfriend is confused that I’m flooded with doubts or concerns over something that for him, feels small. He doesn’t need it like I do, he just likes it and is fine with the goodnight ritual.

I think he might have an avoidance attachment style- nevertheless, I think demands would feel bad for anyone. When I told him I’d love to say a quick goodnight when he’s out, and that between 9-10pm would help me sleep, he said “Sure! I’ll try!”

The unknown of whether this will happen or not is really throwing me for a loop. I’m tempted to bring it up again but I feel like a total needy fuck about it. I’m having stomach aches as I research self-soothing and try to make a plan. I know I would be fine either way- but if I don’t get my goodnight text, I’ll definitely feel like our relationship is on the rooks, even while objectively knowing that people having a good time can lose track of time and I can still be loved at that time. My reflex is to then pull WAY back, to keep myself safe and not “need him”. This all just snowballs for me.

I’m feeling stuck on how much I need to deal with this myself, vs bring him in to troubleshoot with me.

Help?

Edit:

I signed up for a yoga class. I’m going to journal. I made a folder of helpful mantras. I’m going to read Polysecure.

I’ve decided to work this one out on my own. I don’t want boyfriend to feel like he’s doing anything wrong by having a life. I wonder if dinner being with an ex is compounding all of this for me. Something to journal about!