Hey everyone,

I (30, NB) have been in a polyamorous relationship with my partner (34, NB) for two and a half years now. Our relationship has seen its share of ups and downs, but it has always been loving. One recurring issue, though, is that I often feel neglected when I need them the most. There have been a few instances where I clearly communicated my needs to them, and they assured me they would be there for me, but in the end, they weren’t. Whenever we discuss this, they say that my expectations are too high because of the "being a couple" aspect of our relationship. Sometimes they even admit that they struggle with "doing this type of relationship."

Their previous relationship, which lasted 15 years, ended badly. Their ex-partner had high expectations and a dominant attitude, while my partner had a more passive, and at times, passive-aggressive approach. This experience has obviously left an impact on them.

While I’ve been dating in open or polyamorous settings for several years, this is their first time really practicing it. The reason for their breakup with their previous partner was largely due to their ex wanting monogamy.

Recently, they’ve started dating more actively, and while I’m genuinely happy for them, I can’t shake the feeling that it might complicate our existing issues. I don’t want to project our relationship problems onto their new partners, but I am concerned about how they’ll handle everything. If I’m already feeling like my needs aren’t being met, I’m not sure how things will be when more people are added to the mix.

Another thing that bothers me is that whenever I date others, their reaction is always one of "relief." This doesn’t feel particularly flattering, and it adds to my existing feeling of being a burden when my needs aren’t met.

I would really appreciate some advice on this. I understand and value the type of polyamory where there’s good communication, where people’s needs are met, and where there’s a real commitment to multiple relationships. However, from my partner’s perspective, it seems like whenever I ask for more effort or to have my needs met, they see it as a "symptom of monogamy."