Hello, I don’t have any polyamorous people in my life, so I’m hoping to get some advice to insight from you lot, I’m not sure what to do.

Context: Me and my partner (Will) have been together 8 months, she has a nesting partner of 5 years. I recently moved 6 hours south for a 2 year program on technical directing.

The issue at hand is that Will hasn’t told her family about me. They don’t know she’s poly.

Family is so important to me, It hurts so much to think that I haven’t and wont get to meet Wills brothers, or have a relationship with her mom she’s close to. Will has a good relationship with my family, and honestly I wouldn’t continue with her if that wasn’t true.

I understand that it’s not really comparable, Will would not only be introducing me but the fact that she and her other partner are poly. That’s not easy. And to be fair I only just told my mom were poly, (my siblings know though) which was hard. Still haven’t told my dad. I get why Will doesn’t want to. Especially with a kind of traditional family like hers. It would also impact Wills nesting partner, as they are very close to Wills family. Will is worried her mom would tell her partners family. Causing lots of drama.

I was talking with her today about how much this has been bothering me, how rejected it makes me feel. How much I feel is missing. And I asked if she ever would tell her family, at least her mom. She was hesitant and said maybe in 3 years.

The way my stomach dropped I just knew I couldn’t do that. The thought of not knowing my partners family, not getting to do holidays and birthdays and visits. It was kinda devastating.

I told Will I didn’t think I could do more than a year without them knowing. She really doesn’t want to. She isn’t that close with her family and probably wouldn’t ever tell them if I also didn’t care. Just to avoid the hassle. She doesn’t understand why I need this. All of our friends know, she thinks that’s enough.

Another part of this is the lying. I hate lying, and hearing her tell her mom she’s with a friend when we’re out makes me feel so gross. It makes me feel like a paramour or something. Like a secret which I hate. I couldn’t take lying to my parents about it anymore. (I have a thing about lying)

I feel so torn. Of course I don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable or force them to do something they don’t want to do. But this really feels like a boundary I have to set. I’ve had relationships with all my partners families. It feels like a big part of being in a relationship to me, being part of someone’s life.

She asked me if she could wait 8 months instead. I said reluctantly agreed and she asked if I was going to break up with her if she didn’t. And honestly I don’t really have an answer for her.

I can’t tell if I’m being a dick pressuring her, maybe this is something I just a part of polyamory that I need to learn to cope with. But it feels like letting go of my values. She’s been laying the guilt on thick, and I’m thinking about just letting this go, and staying as we are. AITA?

This ended up longer than I thought. There’s so many layers to all of this. I could overanalyze all night

TLDR: my partner refuses to tell her parents that our relationship exists. Her family still thinks she’s monogamous with her nesting partner. Family is important and I’ve told her I can’t go long than 8 months (1.5 yrs) without them knowing.