I, F25, am dating my bf, M30, who is married. I understand now that maybe we didn't start this relationship as we should have, and that him and his wife were not actually ready for an open relationship that involved an actual committed relationship compared to just sexual partners. There have been a lot of ups and downs this past year, but recently my boyfriend and I have secured our feelings and commitment to each other other. I finally feel like a proper girlfriend, but this has come with the issue that his wife is now insecure about our relationship. We used to interact the 3 of us together but that's not a thing anymore. I started noticing the signs that she didn't like seeing us together and in love way before they started talking about her insecurities. My boyfriend might be oblivious to the situation because I know he still wants the 3 of us to interact, go on dates, travel and one day live together. I am well aware this isn't plausible. I can't even be myself when we're all together. I thought I was doing my best to communicate with his wife and try to form a connection, get to know her separately and spend time together but in the end I realized it was always one sided effort and I couldn't force that relationship. The last time we went on a "date" our interactions were cut short and abrupt by her, even a hug. I did my best to stay distant and not be as affectionate as I usually am. I didn't even hold my boyfriend's hand as we walked until I noticed the hurt in his eyes and was later asked if he did something to upset me. I'm not sure what to do. I want to dream of a life together, of travels, but that I'm too aware of our situation. We can't do the normal aspects of a traditional relationship and it hurts.

One of the biggest issues for me personally is how difficult it seems to make plans. All our plans have to be approved by his wife, and stand the risk of being canceled even after approval. I've learned that if he asks me on a date or to do something out of the blue, that we don't actually have solidified plans until I ask him repeatedly if she had given the okay. Is this normal? I understand that they are married and her wishes and boundaries need to be respected, but it's so hard to describe how it makes me feel. It has even gotten to the point that he needs to have permission to have sex with me. We used to make love at his place but that became completely off limits without ever being explained to me and I was too scared to ever ask why. It just doesn't make me feel like a person?? I'm sorry if any of this doesn't make sense but any help would be appreciated.