I (F 40s) consider myself reasonably experienced with ENM. My NP, Leo (M40s), and I have had multiple other partners over several years and I have enjoyed and appreciated my metamors and what they bring to my life and my Leo's. They're my extended friend group, they're there for my NP and he's there for them, and we've come through for each other in a pinch as well!

Opening my relationship with my BF of a few years, Fred (M 30s), has proven more difficult. Every time he has tried to open his side, we have nearly broken up. But every time, it's gotten better. I've felt heard. He's worked on his conflict avoidance that impacts the openness of his communication. I've worked on my communication style that is sometimes the opposite of conflict-avoidant. We've done therapy. He read the book I had wanted him to read from the beginning and we set down on paper what we each need as we open (I am polysaturated and have no desire/time for more partners, but we set down what he would need if I did pursue another partner - which I think is also helpful in case a friend becomes a lover, etc).

He's now starting to talk to someone (Lauren, F 40s) who considers our agreements to be "restrictive" and "unwelcoming." For reference, these are modeled on Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. They've had multiple conversations around his having to tell me before they have unprotected sex. She hasn't even gotten to the ones that actually make me feel vulnerable because I know they are ridiculous and will have to be gone before the discussion will be needed. But also, in all my experience, the discussion around unprotected sex is all but unneeded by the time my NP wants to have unprotected sex with a new partner. That discussion has generally been "they're still just with so-and-so and you? Cool, I'm comfortable with that increase in risk. Have fun!" NP is sterilized and bf is not so that would be part of this conversation, too.

I'm really trying to see this from Lauren's perspective. Have you ever heard an agreement like "discussion before unprotected sex" and just thought "nope. This is a terrible situation?" Or heard that an existing couple had written agreements and balked just at the fact they're written down? If so, I would really appreciate your perspective. Because so far I'm just feeling really hurt and disrespected by this potential metamor, and it's making me profoundly sad because a) I want this to work out for my bf - he has put in the work and he's a fantastic guy, and he is finally actually embracing the fact that this inherently comes with conflict and b) I have historically had such positive relationships with my metamors and I don't know how to proceed if I don't like and appreciate one (and feel liked and appreciated!).