I am relatively new to poly.

I met Tim about 5 months ago, and it's been amazing. We're very much in love, some NRE for sure, but I truly think he's incredible. Tim told me he was in a supportive, platonic marriage where they co-parent two children. Due to work and family obligations, he could only see me once a week. I was initially content with this, as I had a primary partner, Joe, with whom I was building a life (relationship escalator - marriage, cohabitation, etc.). I was okay with non-escalator relationships if I have an anchor, nesting, or primary partner to do that with.

Joe and I broke up, poly unrelated, but I still deeply value a life partner and building a life together with an escalator or elements / customization of an escalator as we see fit eventually. As I'm dating Tim, I'm finding out it is a highly restrictive, hierarchical arrangement imposed mostly from his wife, on top of limited time from work and childcare.

Rules: No overnights. Any extra time beyond our weekly meet-ups must be negotiated with his wife, who prioritizes family time, so day trips or vacations are unlikely. His wife does not feel comfortable meeting me, which makes it unlikely I'll ever meet his kids, and I'm not allowed to stay at his place - overnight or day time. Traditional escalator milestones are off the table, and outside of our weekly time together, he only has a couple of hours here and there before he has to go home.

I've talked to Tim, and Tim feels really distressed he is unable to give me these things, because he too wants those things, but is constrained by the rules of his marriage, work, and family obligations. His wife doesn't seem enthusiastic about our relationship growing beyond just our 1x a week box.

My intuition is telling me they're not truly practicing poly-aligned principles and the rules seem to limit Tim's autonomy, but don't apply to the wife herself, which seems unfair. She has a secondary she sees regularly, hang out together (kitchen table style), and they've gone on a trip together. This feels like a poly red flag.

Her justification for many of these rules is to avoid "freaking out" their kids and maintaining an image of a nuclear marriage, with secondary partners as mom and dad's "friends." Love and "more than sex" is allowed, but it's definitely in a box.

How do I proceed and navigate this tricky situation? Is this normal hierarchical poly? I don't want to lose him and this connection, but this is making me much more cautious of dating in hierarchical arrangements.