I’m new(ish) to ENM. I started out as solo poly after ending a long term monogamous relationship, which soon developed into one of my partners becoming my primary partner. We’ve been together a year, have an amazing connection, are both really open with communication and discussing boundaries/limits, and feel lots of compersion for each other’s connections outside of our relationship. There’s one issue I’m really struggling to get past and don’t know where to turn to get advice.

My partner likes to check out other people when we’re out and about, constantly. Anyone mildly attractive that walks by, he’ll turn and stare at them. It makes me uncomfortable in several ways - I don’t really like ‘checking out’ culture and have always felt uncomfortable with how it made me feel (as a woman), and think it comes across as creepy. When I’ve mentioned this to him, my partner has said he doesn’t do it to the point of being creepy and keeps it light, except when they look back at him and check him out back - which is true, I have seen women do this. That also makes me uncomfortable, that he’s ‘flirting’ while we’re out together and not focusing on each other.

Secondly, it’s started making me feel insecure. I’m queer and I’ve stopped appreciating the beauty of women as much, now more feeling trepidation that he’s going to stare at them. I’m feeling less and less attractive because of how much he’s focusing on other people and not me when he’s with me. He compliments me all the time, always telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, but it doesn’t feel like it when he can’t focus on me when he’s with me. We’ve discussed this and he says he likes to have the freedom to appreciate other people when he likes and not be stopped from looking where he wants, though he will try to be less overt and flirtatious about it, which he has but still feel weird when he does it.

I have no problem with his other relationships and have met several of his partners and very happily gotten along with them. I don’t feel much jealously or insecurity towards his connections with others, just him looking at strangers while together. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have any advice on how to tackle it?