Anon account because I’m humiliated and ashamed of myself.

I have been working really hard to be a good partner for my husband of nearly 14 years. I have historically struggled with jealousy, insecurity, and general low-self esteem. He has been an incredible spouse, very kind and supportive of me dating outside of our relationship. It has been easier for me to find potential partners and even one longterm “relationship” (a whole other story I won’t get into) for years. Recently I'm feeling a little wounded that this situationship is starting to fizzle out, and he happens to be much more in demand while I don’t have any interest in anyone I’ve considered.

Early this year I tried to be proactive and started therapy with a counselor specializing in poly/enm relationships. I thought I was making good progress, and this summer I could actually see times when I normally would have been triggered that I responded well. Yesterday was a bad day. I was just an awful partner when he asked if he could go meet someone new. There was absolutely nothing he did wrong. I don’t understand why I had this response because I truly do not want to be that person. But I just spiraled, pulling out every mean-spirited thing I could think of. I don’t know why, and it felt way beyond my control. I’m not even mad at him but I’m disgusted with myself. I know I’m controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive…. I communicated all of this to him as well. He deserves much better and it gets so bad at times I just want to erase myself (I wouldn't do this because I don't want to hurt him any further).

I love him, and part of me wants to just run away so I can’t possibly hurt him anymore. I often feel beyond help, but we have been together for nearly half our lives and we have a very young child together. I don’t know what to do. I made myself sleep on the sofa last night because I’m just embarrassed, undeserving of his attention. Spent all day today hiding out at work and I don’t know how I can even return home despite missing my family so badly. I do not want us to just go monogamous because he deserves a chance to have the same opportunities he graciously offered me. But I don’t know what to do. I’m drowning. I will be back tomorrow for him to go on his date but I don’t even want to be near him and plan to avoid as much as possible so I don’t do any more damage. How did I become such a sad, selfish excuse for a human? Why can’t I get over myself and be even a fraction of what he deserves? Falling apart.

Note: Edited to break up the block of text.