Hi, it's been like almost one year that i live with my bestie and we start to be in a romantic relationship 6 mounth ago. She knew I was polyA, and used to say that she agreed w me when i said that monoA relationship are usually toxic and possessive. We kinda didn’t assume our crush for each bc she claimed to be strictly aro (she was just traumatise by the only relationship she had, 11 years ago) so i thought i had inapropriate feelings for her, and she didn't asume her crush on me either bc of the age gap (im 21yo and she's 31yo, we meet when i was already major). She thought she was feeling something she shouldn't feel for me, but we had a lot of discussion abt the age gap and realised we don't feel the age gap between us and that starting to date wouldn't change that much of our casual relationship bc we already act like we were together and even our parents thought we were already dating

Just before i start to date w her she told me she agreed w me with my polyA point of view but she couldn't be in a polyA or even an open relationship. I used to say i will never in an exclusive relationship again but i never feel so safe w someone (i never felt safe at all in my life before that), she's so sweet, she cares so much abt how i feel, she's very respectful w my boundaries, she never get mad at me (she just speak abt how she feels calmy when something is wrong), and we are very good at overcoming our issues together, so i felt like i couldn't let the opportunity to live that relationship w her. I said i will try to be in a monoA relationship w her, but i can't be sure if i could be in a monoA relationship forever. These days i feel uncomfortable being in a monoA relationship but i can't talk to her abt that because she avoid the subject and feels very bad when i try to talk abt that (i said i don't even discuss abt open or not our relationship, just discuss abt how we feel abt that, and how this topic is affecting us)

The only issue we have now is the fact that she's monoA and i'm polyA. We literally can't end our relationship cause we help each other so deeply everyday that it's not even thinking-able for us, we want to stay together as long as we can as long as it's not toxic

My GF finally told me that if she had issues w polyamory even if she likes the philosophical aspect it's bc her ex used to claim himself polyamorous as an excuse to cheat on her and have multiple romantic relationships without even telling her and it traumatised her, so she emotionally can't even think abt that. In another way she feels toxic and horrible to not letting me be who i am and do what i want w others, she also told me we can try polyamory but i refuse cause she's obviously not ready and just say that cause she feels like an horrible person w me. We said we would discuss abt that topic when she's ready, but it's been a long time since we don't have any discussion abt that and i kinda feel like she's not only avoiding the subject cause she's not ready but that she is pretending that this discussion never even happened in the first time and will never talk me abt that again (and i can't talk to her abt that cause i said i want her to engage the conversation when she'll be ready). One of the thing that make me think that is that one day i invite a friend (we didn't even flirt but, she attracted me a little). My GF have great skills to know what peoples feels so she understood i had a crush on her. She didn’t acted like someone who is just triggered she acted like someone had break her delusions, like she just realised i can be attracted by way more peoples than her, and she don't want to talk abt that bc she said that her jalousy isn’t my responsibility and that i didn’t even do anything bad

I don't know what to do. Do you have some advice to help me to accept the relationship the way it is or to help her to talk w me on that topic without getting triggered ? Besides having an exclusive or non-exclusive relationship, all i want is having healthy discussion w her without triggering her. I don't think it's a good thing for her to be in a polyA relationship now but i don’t think that pretend that i don't feel anything, hide to her who i am and how i feel and help her to get delusional will help her either

Sorry for my terrible english, i'm french

EDITS :

I don’t wanna see peoples telling me to leave the relationship. It’s not the choice i want to make like i said and it just trigger me a lot to see that peoples don’t respect my choice abt that

I trully understand peoples who are saying that polyA and monoA can’t date each other but i somehow disagree. You don’t choose who you’re falling in love with, i know that love isn’t everything but it’s a good reason to be a relationship when the relationship is positive for you and the other(s) partener(s). belive there are many relationship between monoA and polyA, even if that’s not what we choose to do, and some peoples can affort a monoA relationship while thinking in polyA ways. I understand that most polyA can’t and if you feel like that you’re completly valid but you can’t tell me how i should feel abt beeing in a monoA relationship while every person with a polyA mindset is different and can even change thru time. There’s a whole spectrum between polyA and monoA some peoples can be fluid or in the middle. If you can’t understand the fact that i want to explore a monoA relationship that’s ok but you shouldn’t tell me that i don’t have the right to do it bc i have a polyA mindset or whatever

When i said « i can’t leave her » it was an hyperbole because i didn’t want to justify myself about the fact that i’m not looking for comment to tell me to leave her. I’m going to explain what I mean due to the misunderstanding (it’s my bad I should not write it like that). I can leave her, but I don’t want to and she don’t wants to either. I am totally okay with my relationship i have just some struggle about still having my polyA mindset. I am deeply happy with her and we helped each others for so many things. We feel better since we know each other. Regarding the fact i think the issue of our relationship can be solved I don’t know why I should leave her excepted if it become a serious issue that can’t be solve. An other additionnal point is that peoples here seems to think that if ever the relation can’t work at a long-term, then it’s waste of time. I totally disagree with that cause at the begining of our relationship we said that if our different perspective began to truly hurt us we will stop the relationship and even if we want a long term relationship if one day we had to break up bc i or her can’t stand the relationship anymore we will not regretting to give it a try and we will be Happy with all the beatiful time we spend together and how much we give to each others. I do not want to leave her cause i wanna give a try to our relationship and i will regret all my life if i don’t at least try to get things better

I am not trying to get my GF in a polyA relationship without her consent, my will is to try to be in a monoA relationship w her and working on myself to be confortable with that. I don’t want to change who i am and my perspective cause i don’t think it’s something i can control but i want to change how i feel with that perspective

Peoples are saying that our different mindset about how would be our ideal relationship is a fondamental issues but I don’t think it mean it can’t work. I mean you can’t find someone who have the exact same way to want a relationship to be and don’t have any fondamental disagreement w you, you can’t like leave someone just to avoid a issue, in my mind working together and doing efforts to adapt to another should be an obligation in every healthy relationship (but that just how I feel abt it you have the right to disagree) I don’t even know why peoples are getting mad bc I wanna adapt myself to my GF triggers and say that I am irresponsible for that

Peoples are saying that our different mindset about how would be our ideal relationship is a fondamental issues but I don’t think it mean it can’t work. I mean you can’t find someone who have the exact same way to want a relationship to be and don’t have any fondamental disagreement w you, you can’t like leave someone just to avoid a issue, in my mind working together and doing efforts to adapt to another should be an obligation in every healthy relationship (but that just how I feel abt it you have the right to disagree) I don’t even know why peoples are getting mad bc I wanna adapt myself to my GF triggers and say that I am irresponsible for that

It’s the very first time i project myself into a monoA relationship and i know a lot of peoples can experience different kind of relationship. What i wanted was some tools to help me feeling ok with beeing in monoA relationship while thinking in polyamourous way (i really think it’s something i can do) and tools to help her feel safe with the fact im thinking in polyA way and that our relationship needs more clearly boundaries

We finally talk today abt our relationship and i told her i project to be monoA with her but like a long term relationship project (I wasn’t able to tell her before cause she didn’t wanna discuss abt that topic) and she apologies for making me insecure by not posing any clear boundaries and also said she will be able to discuss abt our relationship different POV and how we feel abt it when i ask, she just can’t already talk to me abt it if i don’t ask for the moment, we also were able to discuss abt the fact that we felt guilty abt our different perspective and help each others to unshame the other one

I Will not argue anymore with peoples that say « leave your GF ». I don’t wanna say that i’m right and you’re all wrong, maybe i am wrong to think that way, but what i know is that i wanna take care of myself and this kind of awnser trigger me a lot cause i have good reasons to stay with her, and that thinking about stopping a relationship with someone (even a friends) makes me anxious, plus some peoples here hurted me and talked to me in a very mean, judgmental, condescendent, or disrespectful kind of way. Some of you are totally respectfull and give constructive arguments (even if I disagree to some of them), and I thanks them for that < 3

If I hurted anyone or that I am beeing myself disrespectful in any ways I wanna truly apologize