Reposted because title wasn’t right*

My partner (M) and I (F) have been together for over a year, and we were long distance for a while before he permanently moved back to the city we met in/where I live. Our whole polycule is in its early to mid 20s, and we’re all quite new to poly and still figuring things out. Prior to returning he set a lot of expectations that he hasn’t been able to meet due to circumstances changing, and I’m having a hard time coping with this.

Initially it was only supposed to be him coming back, and when that was still the plan he would always tell me that we’d get to spend a lot of time together when he got back, that he’d be spending most of his time at my place, and just generally setting this idea that we would be much more entangled. We both view each other as anchor partners, and I really did think I was and would be more of a priority in his life based off of what he was telling me.

What ended up happening was that he moved back and brought his other partner (F) with him. At first when that portion the plan was changed, we were going to all try to find a place together, but due to financial circumstances that didn’t end up happening, so now they live together in his parent’s basement rent-free. I knew that this would have an impact on our ability to see each other, so I told him I would ideally want at least two sleepovers a week, with more some weeks, and at the time he agreed to that. He also told me that he’d come by to see me even if it wasn’t to sleep over so that we could spend a few hours together at least. He then got a bartending job where he often works night shifts (6pm-2am, but he only leaves by 5am or later if he’s out partying) on Friday/Saturday, which overlap onto two of the three days I have off. I work morning shifts (7:30am-4pm usually) four days/week, Tuesday to Friday, so yet again this was another factor added that impacts our ability to spend time together. He made more promises to make time for me, and I trusted he would, because at the time I had no reason not to.

At first when he got back he did prioritize me, but as circumstances have changed and time has progressed, time alone together has only gotten less and less frequent. Now that we’re a few months into him being back, he doesn’t seem to want to make plans with me, and from my POV he’s prioritizing everything but time together (aside from that one set date night we have). I’ll admit, i did not handle these changes well at the start, and would get easily upset or frustrated when he’d change or alter plans. This wasn’t due to entitlement to his time, it was because he wasn’t following through on the expectations he’d set and that was incredibly destabilizing for me as it made my trust in him waver. We tried having sleepovers on weekdays, which didn’t really work, as by the time was ready to go to bed he was still very much awake. We then tried having him stay for a bit then leave once I fell asleep, and again didn’t work because it woke me up and disrupted my rest. We tried having him stay more often on the mornings after his night shifts, but because of the nature of his job he’d end up not being able to go to after work hangouts with coworkers and he’d feel like he was missing out. Due to how much all of this was impacting our relationship, we ended up having a big talk to try and reset some expectations. We agreed have a set date on Sunday nights where we have a sleepover, with an understanding that at times he will also come stay over on the nights he works even if he gets back after 5am, which was initially a no-go for me but I was willing to compromise and made him a set of keys to my place. Any other plans would be played by ear and planned at least a few days before, but he reassured me that he would still make time for me, and the he would account for time together (aside from Sunday) when planning his week out. I agreed to having Sunday be the our set plan for the week with the understanding that this wouldn’t generally be the only time alone we have together.

After we reset expectations, I tried to make plans with him at the start of the week, asking for no more than one weekday non-sleepover date planned before the week begins, and for him to plan a few days ahead when he’d be staying over on the nights he works so that I can at least know if I will or won’t see him. Yet most of his plans were and still are very last minute, and lately he doesn’t seem to want to commit to anything else even if it’s only a few days ahead. Trying to set plans early is not an attempt on my end to be controlling, I just want to know when we’re going to spend time together; that way, I can plan the rest of my week without being in limbo about when we will see each other next, otherwise it kinda feels like he’s always making up for it on Sundays which doesn’t make that evening feel as intentional. Constantly telling me we will have that one night together to excuse not wanting to make other overnight plans is gonna end up breeding some resentment on my end, as this wasn’t what I agreed to. Last minute plans are hard for me, I want to be able to know at least by the start of the week when we will be seeing each other so I can account for stuff, like finances. For example, planning what or how many groceries to buy, so that I can have food available when he’s here, or just not buy more than I need to and have it go bad. I also want to be able to make plans with friends, but now I’m hesitant to do so because I feel like I never know until the day of when I’ll see him; he doesn’t really seem to be taking me into account when he makes other plans, or even looking at the days where I’m free in our shared calendar. I try to have all my plans set as early as possible in an effort to make things easier for him, which only makes it hurt more when he doesn’t follow through on his promises or take my availabilities into account. Due to him and his other partner living together, he ends up spending most of his free/incidental time with her, which I knew would be a factor but not to this extreme. This, coupled with all the other things I mentioned, is making me quite envious of the fact that they have so much more time together, which also makes me feel bad as I do get that it’s just because they live together that this is the case.

I’m trying really hard to be ok with having less time with him than expected, but it’s really starting to feel like I come last on his list of priorities. I don’t feel I’m asking for much, I just wish he wanted to spend more time with me, and when he accounts for possible last minute plans with coworkers over planning time together it really makes me feel like I’m not that important to him. I don’t want Sunday nights to become the only nights we spend quality time together, yet it’s really starting to seem like that’s what this is turning out to be the majority of the time. Hangouts with groups of friends, or with my metamour, are all fine and good, but they don’t make up for quality time alone. No matter how I try to explain it to him he doesn’t seem to understand how much this affects me, and overall I’m at my wits end.

Am I wrong to be upset? Should i be leaving it entirely up to him when we spend time together? Cause this gives him a lot of power over planning and that just doesn’t feel very fair. He is still a good partner in many other ways so I don’t want to end things, but I wouldn’t want to grow even more resentful over time and I would like to try to address this somehow. Something does need to change, i just can’t tell if it’s that I should lower my expectations, or that he needs to take how this is affecting into account and reevaluate his own priorities. I miss feeling as important to him as I used to, I’m hurting, and any advice or kind words to maybe even help me view this from a different perspective would be appreciated.