Hey, honestly just had a lot of confusion recently and would really appreciate some opinions from other poly people. To quick-fire some information: - I’m bisexual (with a preference towards fem presenting people) - I’m probably on the aromatic spectrum (had 3 long term partners, didn’t feel love for them until a long long time had passed and even then never the way traditional definitions) - I’ve been in one fully polyamorous relationship (three people including myself) and while it crumbled badly due to cheating I still think of it as one of my happiest time periods - I’ve been in one open relationship, current.

So, here’s the thing, during my Trio I had absolutely zero issues with them being together without me. However I felt a lot of jealousy and hurt from the cheating that ended it, as to be expected. My partner that I had from the remnants of that trio I stayed with for a while and we even occasionally talked about opening back up into something poly (sexual and otherwise). Yet when they broke up with me and started dating someone else I once again felt a lot of jealousy and hurt despite not even being in any form of relationship with them and having no right to. Then with my most recent partner I’ve been taking advantage of it being an open situation on occasions and have actively encouraged them to do the same (though they hadn’t had any interest until recently) and I believed I was fully okay with that, except when they actually took an interest in it and downloaded a dating app I had what I can only assume to be the first panic attack I’ve ever had in my life (extreme shaking, brain fog, self deprecating thoughts, difficulty speaking - but no fear or rapid breathing??). They thankfully were incredibly understanding and called it off (I’ve taken a break on anything on my end to avoid inequality in the relationship despite them ensuring they’d be fine with it). The strangest part to me is that I haven’t even developed that sense of “Love” for this partner like I had the other two as of yet. I’ve never felt jealousy for any of my hookups or FWB seeing other people, yet I freak out completely when it’s a partner or an ex?? I freak out at the idea of my partner having a hookup outside of me but was fine with my poly trio seeing each other completely separate to me?? And because I’m being fully honest I will also mention that so far the jealousy of things does always seem to be afab partners and jealousy towards amab relations.

Feel free to bully me for being a stupid controlling cis man lol. I’m aware my feelings are selfish and unhealthy but I don’t even know what the answer is here, am I poly? Am I just controlling? Am I possessive? Thank you for anyone who’s read this ramble and can give advice.