I’m dating. I have a husband and boyfriend.

Boyfriend puts in the work, boyfriend plans in advance.

Husband (and this is my fault, ish) is used to me putting in the work, the planning, and providing sex when he wants.

I would like husband to step up. We are in couples and individual counselling. Husband always says he is willing to make date plans, etc etc… but the follow-through struggles. So if I don’t plan a date, we don’t have one. Meanwhile, boyfriend and I regularly have epic plans because we both plan with ease.

Do I… get used to doing all the planning for husband? Do I let him feel the consequences of not planning? (I don’t love this option). Our couples counsellor gives him ideas and action items but the follow-through isn’t there. Husband is neurodivergent - is that a piece?

I’m really at a loss. I love my husband. We could coast along merrily except the contrast of the dates and sexscapades with boyfriend make it more of a struggle than ever. I now know what it’s like to be in a relationship (with boyfriend) where both people have the capacity to put in visible input and energy… which is causing strain on what I’m willing to put into my relationship with husband. Because I now feel what it’s like to experience balance and reciprocity and I’m liking it and feeling worth it.

Gah. Help?