I’ve (F26) been with my partner “Tim” (NB30) for about a year and we have such a beautiful connection. I was introduced to Tim by my ex “Alex” (M28) who I was with for 5 years (poly/open/enm for the second half). Tim and Alex were dating casually for a couple months before I met Tim.

We had been in a throuple all together until ~3 months ago because Alex and I decided to fully end our relationship. We went from living together and being in a proper relationship, to living together but dating casually, to moving apart and having a totally platonic relationship, and we’re still very close. I care about Alex and consider him a best friend.

Tim and I always also had our own relationship on the side outside of our throuple, while Tim and Alex have sort of had an independent relationship too but Alex put way less time and energy into Tim than Tim was willing to put into him.

Since ending our throuple, Alex decided to make things with Tim more casual so they’re friends who sometimes have sex. However, there’s a disconnect because while Tim understands that they’re friends, they still refer to Alex as their partner… Tim really desires attention and affection from Alex and tolerates really shitty behaviour from Alex that I know they’d never tolerate from me or even pretty much anyone else (as they shouldn’t!).

Alex regularly tells me he finds Tim too much, annoying, blah blah, but Alex strings him along. Alex has literally told me if he were to find another partner that was more fulfilling that he’d probably drop Tim.

This leads me to yesterday. Alex told me they hung out, that Tim was being indirect, and Alex then asked him “if I can say something kind of transphobic? stop acting like a girl, act like a man and say what’s on your mind.” (Tim is AFAB.) My jaw dropped TO THE FLOOR, y’all. Like, I… Wow.

I was absolutely appalled that Alex would think that’s an acceptable thing to say to someone, especially to Tim, who I love and care about so deeply. But I found myself even more weirded out to find out Tim essentially just rolled with the transphobic comment and then told Alex they wanted to eat and fuck.

I definitely have a little sore spot because I’m a bit jealous of the attention Tim desires from Alex, but I’ve mostly made peace with that and am overall very happy with Tim and our relationship. But now, I’m just… I feel so icked out that Tim would tolerate such shitty behaviour. I feel like I can’t look at Alex the same way because I’m so grossed out but I also feel so weird about Tim tolerating being treated like shit, and not just tolerating it but basking in the scraps Alex gives him.

Have any of you experienced something similar? I don’t know how to navigate this but I did tell Alex that I no longer want to hear anything about him and Tim’s relationship because I find it so upsetting.

Thanks in advance!