I realized the other day that I (29F) have an avoidant attachment style (fearful avoidant, to be exact) and I’m also addicted to NRE. It’s affecting my ability to have healthy, stable relationships.

This problem isn’t all poly/ENM-specific, but there are elements to it that are, which is why I’m posting this here for advice.

I truly do believe I’m poly-oriented and if I can just overcome my patterning, I could thrive in a healthy poly dynamic. I believe my desire for poly comes from a healthy place, but my avoidance and self-esteem causes me to choose poor partners for myself… and be a poor potential partner for others.

(I’m trying to be honest about what I’ve learned about myself, so I hope y’all can handle it with care and not bash. Many of these things I absolutely hate about myself, and feel much internal shame.)

These are some examples of how my “fearful-avoidant” attachment style has played out:

• I feel intense, overwhelming attraction to men who are “my type” physically… especially if they are “unavailable” in some kind of way (poly-saturated, commitment-phobic, time poor, mono, etc) and I ultimately subconsciously know they won’t meet my needs (or meet them easily).

• I subconsciously find it a fun challenge to try to “win them over”, because if I can get the types of men who rejected me in the past to eventually ‘choose me’, I feel like I’m unique/special.

• When someone meets my needs easily, I feel a bit disengaged/bored. There’s not enough novelty/thrill, and I also have found myself wondering if they actually wanted a relationship with me specifically or just wanted a relationship with anyone.

• To tack onto the above point, I find it more validating to “convince” someone who was on the fence about wanting a LTR to end up wanting one with me, because again… it makes me feel special. I also feel pressured when someone comes in immediately ready/open to a relationship.

• I do have a high libido naturally… but I’m realizing now I’m also addicted to the chemical cocktail of initial connections. I’m also highly attracted to the love-bomby, sort of all-encompassing feeling of someone being in complete limerence with you. I like people who are immediately sort of “in my face” about their attraction to me - being assertive, lots of compliments, acting like I’m the hottest woman on the planet. Then I get a dopamine rush from sleeping together too quickly, riding that high… before I eventually just want them to go away and I “deactivate.”

• I’ve had the same people be very interested… and then less interested. And my mind goes haywire when they temper down the texts, attention, etc… even when I initially wasn’t that interested (or like a 6-7/10 interest) when they were.

• I’ve literally had situations where I’ll be having a good date with someone, but then wish I could leave so I could go home and fantasize about them. It’s like the reality of them is just fodder for the fantasy, which for some messed up reason is way more appealing in my mind.

• If someone isn’t chasing me hard from the beginning, I feel a strong desire to cut it off. But I’m also attracted to people who are pretty independent, with strong support networks, hobbies, and multiple partners already. Realistically, it’s not possible to expect such focused attention from people with that much going on. I also wouldn’t logically WANT someone who will drop their existing obligations for me… but my subconscious still screams at me “it’s because you’re not good enough, if you really were that great/hot/cool they would make space regardless.”

• When poly-saturated guys tell me they don’t have the capacity but will have more time in the future, I feel like a back burner option. I would have a hard time accepting a date in the future, because of the faulty belief I have (see above).

• I have this ideal woman in my head, who I knew actually does not exist - who gets all the dates, sex, attention. Who even the saturated poly folks make space for because she’s so cool/hot/interesting/good in bed etc. Who has a full dance card of amazing partners, who validate her with both words/actions. She gets all the love, affection, attention.

My mind runs off with me, even knowing this woman literally does not exist. There’s no person who gets literally everyone they like/want, but for some reason I still believe if I just take these tangible steps I can be closer to this “ideal”.

I’m struggling figuring out what I actually want/need, how I can actually function in a relationship with my patterns.

The people who are genuinely into me are super anxious, which makes me avoidant. They often don’t have as strong of a support network, and are more dependent than I am. Ironically, I am super confident and composed around these types of people.

I’ve tried to date some of these types, and while I could overcome the initial boredom… I get a major “ick” when people rely solely on me as their only support system.

So basically, I’m repulsed by anxious folks, I’m attracted but incompatible with avoidant folks… and I’m not secure enough for secure folks.

I realize now I’m not actually getting to know people as they truly are, and more fitting them into archetypes and trying to use them to approval-seek and validate myself. And also use them as something to get “high” off of, not build something stable.

How do I change this?