A while back I responded to someone asking about “monogamy under duress”. They were curious about whether there was a way to make sense of an inverse to “polyamory under duress” (https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/154dzx3/comment/jsoi81k/)

I wanted to build on those thoughts here because there are many people who are in existing monogamous relationships who would like to change their relationship structure and are wondering how to do it.

If you’ve seen my other post about the dildo of consequence you’ll get the impression that I’m quite against trying to turn a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one. But the determined are likely undeterred by my disapproval.

“Surely there must be a way” they will say. And I will grant that there is a thin line that a person could walk that might ethically turn a monogamous relationship polyamorous.

First and foremost, before the conversation starts, there must be nobody else.

Then, you must be prepared for your partner to say no. You make sure that however you’re posing that question it gives them the most scope and opportunity to just say that they are not interested.

Finally, you have to make a choice. What’s worth more to you: the relationship you have, or the relationship structure you want.

If you choose the relationship, then you stay monogamous until that relationship ends. If you choose the relationship structure, then you end the relationship and start new relationships with people who want the same relationship structure you want.

And whatever you do, you absolutely must not try to have your cake and eat it! You should not try to have a polyamorous relationship with someone who would much rather be in a monogamous relationship with you.

For those contemplating closing a relationship the pattern is much the same. There should be no one else (as in neither you nor your partner should have other active relationships), your partner may say no, and if you want a change to the relationship structure more than you want the relationship, then you end the relationship.