Just here to vent through a meltdown. 3 years ago I had to take a huge step back from everything while working, going to school, and taking care of 2 small kids full-time. My NP was great, but since they worked outside of the home and had to leave extremely early for long commutes, they could only help for about 2 hours a day before the kids went to bed and would have to go to bed themselves am hour later. Since nights and weekends was for me to study and finish assignments, my NP was my only support.

I finished school 3 months ago and now I'm falling apart. I have no poly community, my local kink and Leather community that I was a part of before is rapidly changing but only a small handful are poly and none of the ones who are even live in driving distance. I'm fully panicking and nothing I'm doing seems to work. I've tried going to gaming meet-ups but they are all only about 10 men either old enough to be my parents or early 20s. I've looked for local poly groups on Facebook and they are all filled with swingers and unicorn hunters. The only poly support group I found on Fet meets once a month and is a 2 hour drive one way. My NP has no trouble finding people to connect with as they are very loud and outgoing where I am quiet and reserved. I haven't been on a date in almost those 3 years. I'm terrified that I am reduced to a mono/poly relationship (I know that I can still be poly while only having 1 relationship). When I go to new places where I don't know anyone, I physically shake and get sick, but I can't stand the feelings of isolation. It feels like I follow all the rules, I'm getting kicked down. I live in middle of nowhere, Alabama and my AuDHD makes it impossible for me to maintain LDRs. I will literally forget they exist for months if I don't see them. I feel like I'm going crazy or I'm being kicked 3 steps back for every step I try to take forward. I'm also trying to fix this for my partner because they get so worried about me and I don't want them to feel like they have to tip toe around with my meta because I can't seem to get my shit together. I hate every part of this and just wish I could be normal. I hate that I'm not more like my partner. I've done everything that's said to do, I've explored my interests and hobbies, looked for groups near me, I have meetup, checked Fetlife events, Facebook events, can't afford therapy as my NP became a SAHP since I couldn't care for the kids while working all day anymore and daycare would take their entire salary. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted from just the stress and constant searching.

Thanks for listening and giving me the space.