36 year old male who has came out of a 9 year long relationship. I have met the most wonderful person, she is kind, beautiful and just generally amazing. However, due to where I am at in my life, I just don't feel like I am ready to commit to a traditional serious relationship. We have both very clear that we are really into each other and we spend a load of time together, it's not even just a sexual thing, we just love spending time together.

We have went through different stages in our relationship, from at first being very brazen and even helping each other on dating sites etc to then realizing this didn't make either of us comfortable and that we wouldn't do that. We are currently at the stage where we are both ENM and encourage each other to go on dates with others. However, I am really, really struggling with the sexual side of things. I feel like if I knew there would be no sex involved I would be 10000% comfortable with things but any time she tells me she has slept with someone I go into absolute melt down. I'm not a bad person, and I fucking hate even admitting it's an issue because I want her to absolutely love life to the fullest but I definitely need help. I can't help but picture in granular detail the sexual stuff and feeling worthless. It might not help that despite my best efforts I haven't had sex with anyone else since we entered this agreement. Any advice is really appreciated because so far this is a whole new world and I could do with help because I don't want to loss her and push her away by my behavior which frankly I'm ashamed of. I have made her feel awful in the last simply for doing what we agreed and I absolutely want to avoid that whilst acknowledging that I am not very good with this, she doesn't deserve to feel guilt whatsoever.

Thanks so much