I (25 AMAB NB) have recently turned my long term partnership (26 AFAB NB) into a budding v shape (22 FTM)

It's the first time any of the three of us have experienced polyamory. When my partner and I initially opened up, my now boyfriend was one of the first people to message me on bumble.

It's been such a lovely and easygoing situation. No one in the situation was looking to or expected to feel so close, for the v shape to feel so cohesive and beautiful for us all. Very fulfilling in a distinctly poly way even with my boyfriends not actively dating each other.

Lately I've been feeling as if my grip on the progress I have made on the residual downer goo of monogamy still hanging over me has been slipping.

My feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are distinctly tied to my experiences with gender. As much as my partners make me feel nothing but lovely about who I am, I feel as if there's still a lengthy journey for me to undertake regarding my accepting, expressing and general peace with how I experience masculinity and what any potential partner may want out of other expressions and ideas of masculinity.

Now, I've very distinctly made sure to communicate that these issues are my own. Especially with my new boyfriend. I've only ever approached communicating about them to make sure that everyone is on the same page and so that I can get over them. But it feels like these things aren't affecting me less.

Both of these beautiful men in my life know that the last thing I want to do Is even be on their mind when they date or have sex. Let alone affect how they do either. Both of them have been utterly supportive and reassuring whenever I've reached out about needing it.

It just seems like it still haunts me at an emotional level. I know it's all just a very anxious brain that happens to be very obsessive. Trying to be hyper aware about the space I take up and image I give off. I especially know this after one of my turns but when you're in the middle of a shit storm like that it's hard to see a way out.

I won't pretend I'm the best hinge in the world. I'm still learning the balancing acts and individual sensitivities around the situation but i definitely have the love in me to sustain this. My partners feel that too. We all want this and our lives are all better for it. These anxieties don't make me any less capable of giving a fulfilling relationship or any less deserving of experiencing one.

It's just that these boys mean the absolute world to me and I'm a bit of a people pleaser to people I think are just pretty neat. To me, they hold up the stars and I guess that sort of love comes with a lot to live up to for an AUDHD little dork like me.

Before things got this funny, I'd recall the moments that feel especially adorable. Going to lil festivals with both of them. Looking at each other and having to improv some creative way to talk about recent going ons involving the v shape to people we aren't out to. Cooking for them both and watching them both be all impressed and shit. Subjecting them to my weird fucking taste in tv.

These days I feel as if though I'm having a harder time grounding myself. I find myself struggling with my new boyfriends stoicism a lot more. My mind is a bit more jittery and wants to scurry towards apocalyptic thoughts when any rejection sensitivities get tripped or when I'm having a tough time remaining present due to the aforementioned insecurities and jealousy.

I know I have that peace in me. My compersion is stifled and mangled but real and logical. It's all there and I know an alternate universe me has won hinge of the month award for years now. It's just frustrating. I know what level I want to be at. I know the way my mind is supposed to be. I know the way I should carry on about my day but I worry and fret and read into things and drive myself mad stressing about what I'm imagining they're lacking instead of the happiness we find.

There's this quote - To see a man beaten not by a better opponent but by himself is a tragedy.

It's just been flashing in my head it feels. I know I'm just beating myself up and keeping myself from the utopia they're giving me. I get frustrated about being in my own way. That in a world of bigots, I'm the one keeping myself from finding the peace to our love.

In the end of the day I also know it's not that dire. I'm sure I'm fixating to try and be the best me for my sake and the sake of the v shape.

Has anyone here had any experience with polyamory, jealousy and gender envy all being intertwined?

I've noticed that these feelings mostly centre around the newest addition to the v shape. Is it because our relationship feels more guy on guy than the pre-existing dynamic?

Jeez.

This stuff feels like an endless ball of tangled headphones. I burn myself out trying to sit and have them all neatly laid out.