Its my first poly relationship ship, hell its my first relationship, I'm practicing non hierarchical polyamory, I (NB25) have one Romantic Partner(ftM36), I have one Meta (F40). My Partner insists whenever I mention my anxiety about this they remind me that our relationships are different but he loves us both the same. I met my Partner First, and we both were exploring non hierarchical polyamory. However I keep feeling like I'm second Place to Meta. Partner has often taken long calls with Meta when We Where spending time together (which only happens about once a week). Anytime the three of us spend time together Meta is the one that stays over (this has happened maybe 4-5 times now). Whenever we Schedule things meta schedules months in advance leaving me to plan time with my partner around her schedule always. And Meta had a child that Partner is starting to spend time with and stay over around, this feels like a level or intimacy that I could never have with Partner.

Most Recently my Partner was on a trip for a few weeks and I stayed over at his apartment and took care if his pets, originally the plan was that i would spent the first night back with him (thursday) and go to a play Party with him the next night (Friday). He asked permission to switch dates so the Meta got to stay over on Thursday night while I only saw him long enough to pick up my things after work and give him his keys back, since he would see my Friday and Meta would be Unavailable for a while. I said it would be difficult for me to hand but I knew it would see him the next night anyway. Come to find out he'll be seeing Meta on Saturday and Sunday too(so much for unavailable) and now I just feel... like nothing. i feel like I was pushed aside and have been put in 2nd place Again and again. I feel like he's lying to me by insisting theres no hierarchy, and I feel like I'm getting used.

I don't know how to bring this up with him, I don't know if its just my anxiety. this is the first person I ever said "I'm in love with you" to and I even though they said it back I can't help feeling like I'm not really loved, just fun. What do I do?

UPDATE: I had a check in chat with my Partner. I had briefly texted them about the way I was feeling so they were prepared. I think they knew it was coming anyway. I learned that the reason he canceled me on Thursday that she had also wanted to come to the play party on Friday but my partner offered the compromise of having a night with him when he got home if she gave us that part together without her there so we had some special reconnecting time, AND that the time he would see her over the weekend would be with her kiddo for Mother's Day so it had to be like polite and they wouldn't be able to kiss/touch much (she's in middle of a messy divorce, lawyer recommended not doing that in front of the kid). Which- he still lied to me but I understand it's a different kind of availability

Partner had a chat with Meta in the Meantime about the always being the one to stay or I'm otherwise not participating rule- and its done, they will be learning to sit and cope with the jealousy and hard feelings that come along with being poly. They agreed that the scheduling thing is hard, meta knows their schedule months in advance and I sometimes only get a 1-2 weeks notice, so we're trying to be more flexible, Meta has agreed that with the exception of specific events we don't need to plan dates 2 months out and its okay to wait until we have a little better of an idea for everyone. My partner and I plan on starting weekly check ins too.

Then we had a snuggly nap, went to the party, and spent the night and next morning together. I think a lot of this was blown up by the fact that i hasn't seen them in over 2 weeks and was definitely missing Quality time with them, and they expressed genuinely feeling really bad that they had made me feel like this. I gave him a gentle hug when i arrived over to have the hard conversation and he nearly cried- he apologized a lot and I feel good about it not happening again moving forward.