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Trigger warnings for SA, maybe.
When my ex and I left monogamy behind after 13 years and he started dating, he really grew and became much more confident.
I had been struggling for ten years with giving him the validation he needed. He was unable to take a no, would badger me all night if I didn't want sex and didn't give in. So I usually eventually did, because I needed the sleep. He also violently raped me repeatedly for a few months at one point.
As a result, I felt zero desire for him. Only fear and pressure. But I was also trauma bonded to him and his sulking about lack of validation from me got to me pretty hard and made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He told me that his only sense of self worth came from knowing that I loved him and the only way he could know that was by having sex with me. He was very hurt by my lack of enthusiasm and initiatives. And I fully believed that my failure to sexually validate him was equally bad as his abuse of me, that we were equally bad for eachother.
Anyway, when he started dating others, he could find supply elsewhere (preying on vulnerable women in the BDSM world mostly, I think) and didn't really need me as much so I became less important to him. Over time, that changed the nature of the abuse a bit.
Anyway, he would say things like "Thank you for helping me get over my fear of opening up, this is so much better for me! This is who I really am.", and I'd be so so happy for him.
He would tell me about how great things were with the other women, how much they appreciated finding someone like him when they were used to "bad" men, how much better the sex was when they shared his kinks and so on and I'd be so, so happy for him.
He would tell me about the romantic dates, about how women paid for trips and hotels and dinners just to be with him (I still don't know if that is true, he forced me to send him all my money and then gave me no insight in our shared economy) and I'd be so, so happy for him.
He told me that they told him that he was very respectful, almost too respectful, when it came to consent. With one woman, he told me in detail about how she initiated on the hotel room couch, how they had sex, details about her body I never asked for etc, and also about how she eventually told him that he didn't have to repeatedly ask her if she was ok and still wanted it, that she'd let him know if she didn't. I recently reached out to her and asked if that story matched her experience and she said it didn't because they never had sex. She realised from things he told her that he didn't share her views on consent and backed out.
Compersion is strong in me and it was also a relief to have some of the burden of keeping him happy lifted off my shoulders. And I believed him when he said he was amazing for the women he dated and figured he was only abusive in more entangled relationships, so I was happy for them too.
But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe he told me all those things and stories - some of them clearly made up - to try to make me feel something else entirely?
I'll never know ofc, but I find it slightly amusing that it never even crossed my mind at the time but thinking about it, it's very possible that he was trying to make me feel inferior and jealous. If so, it just really really didn't work.
Edit: some typos.
Edit 2: The reason I reached out to that woman was that the thought of him acting respectful and kind in short term encounters kind of invalidated the healing experiences I later had with kind, respectful men. I just wanted to know if it was really true.
Thank you.
I'm starting to believe that too and so much makes more sense in that light.
Thank you!
I actually wasn't quite strong enough to leave it but I did manage to have one other relationship that he couldn't scare me into ghosting and that was enough to realise what an abuse-free relationship is like and to start seeing problems.
He also gave up on some of his financial control by suggesting a divorce to get rid of the hierarchy that made his relationship to me more "valid" than the other one, meaning that while I still financially supported the family, I was able to keep some of my salary for my own savings to build some financial independence.
So I got braver and stronger and started calling him out on his problematic behaviours, thinking he'd stop doing those things if he realised how hurtful and damaging they were (haha, I know). He didn't like that and ended up eventually throwing me out of the apartment we got together (but in his name) a year earlier and that I had renovated and furnished for him and put lots of time and money into, thinking it would be my home for a long time.
Best thing he ever did for me.
Actually, that might be pretty spot on, as sad as it is to think.
The partner I still have is, while totally fine with me being poly and occasionally dating others, so far not very interested himself. Autistic, possibly demisexual and just not very interested in people, he has no motivation to put effort into dating. And while I would of course be supportive of him if he did, I think there would also be some fear of being replaced that I'd have to address and deal with and such. It wouldn't necessarily be easy.
I think I feel a lot of compersion in general, just in the meaning of being happy for others when they are happy and things for well for them. But... Yeah, looking back, it's quite possible that it was, as you so eloquently worded it, relief.
And no, you're right that you can't really be jealous in that situation. For about two years, he was away almost every weekend with his other partner. Weekdays were for gaming, listening to audio books and such when he wasn't studying, and weekends were for fun dates with her. I work long shifts on most weekends so while I didn't exactly miss him, it did put a strain on me to have to find time to walk our dog in the mornings and evenings before work, and ideally also at least a little bit of parenting. While I worked, our young teenager was home alone with the dog.
Two times I asked him to stay at home. One time I was sick, nothing contagious, just... Exhausted. But since I was the only one in the household working and my income was small, I couldn't afford sick leave and had to work anyway so I asked him to stay at home and take care of everything else so that I could go straight to sleep after work and sleep in a little longer to manage. He accused me of faking it in order to ruin his relationship with the other woman because I was jealous, and said he could not give in to my attempt at manipulation and I should just call in sick if I needed it.
The second time, the dog was sick. She needed to go out frequently and once she recovered a bit, she needed frequent servings of mild food to restart her stomach. I obviously couldn't do that while away at work so again, I asked him to stay at home to take care of our dog, or at least leave Saturday instead of Friday so she had a bit more time to get better. Again, same reply - I was trying to ruin his relationship because I was jealous and he wasn't falling for it.
So... If he was trying to make me jealous, it didn't work but he sure wanted to claim that it did? 😂
I'm sorry you had a similar experience, and I'm glad that it's in the past tense. I hope life is better now. And thank you for your comment.
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Thank you.
Yes, it definitely was that too.
He'd always tell me about how horrible most men were. (Tbh, me reading about incels and such and encountering misogyny online made that task easier for him.) He made me believe that I was very very lucky to be with him, and not with one of all those bad men.
When I started talking to someone thinking I might date them (after we opened up), he'd always helpfully find something wrong with them and "save" me from them. But of course I couldn't tell them why, I had to just ghost them or life at home became hell. Because he couldn't let me date someone who didn't "deserve" me.
And yeah, unlike inexperienced me, all those other women realised that and fully appreciated being with someone like him.
So yeah, definitely part of painting himself as the best I could possibly get.
And in his story, that other woman never did say no. No one ever did, I think. Some got absolutely crazy and furious when he said no to them, though. Mhm.
Edit: And yes, he's a monster. And yes, I'm free and have good support but unfortunately, he still has my son.
In your work, please don't forget the children. They often become super loyal to the abuser and reject the victim, and they end up suffering from the loss of a parent.