I have to say that it’s been really frustrating to read the ace-hate the last few weeks. I (39F) didn’t come out as gray ace until after I was married, mostly because I didn’t know such a thing existed. It wasn’t until afterward that my spouse (41M) and I decided to open our marriage because I realized I couldn’t give him all the sexual intimacy to meet his needs. And I realized he wasn’t giving me the non-physical pleasure that I need. That doesn’t take away from the love and intimacy we have with each other, since intimacy is more than sex, and loving someone is more than physical intimacy. It is a decision we make every day to be with that person and choose that person. And I choose my spouse every day and vice versa. Sex isn’t the only thing that constitutes physical intimacy in our relationship. But I have hot and cold feelings and desires around being physical.

Also my pleasure doesn’t necessarily come from traditional intercourse. In fact, between my being ace, medication, mental health, and stressors, I have very little sexual desire. That doesn’t take away from loving my partner, and I am sure that many of my fellow aces will agree. That doesn’t make us less deserving of love and partnerships.

There’s no need for “fixing” and certainly no blaming us because we can’t meet that need for physicality. A relationship is more than sx and we deserve to be both respected and have our unique needs met just as those who enjoy sx.