Hello there. Not sure if anyone is still interested but it helps to write these things out. Summary: I have been seeing someone and having Anxiety about the relationship then I had a PTSD trigger two weeks ago.

I've been taking time to think and Chris and I have stepped back quite a bit. The space has been helpful. I can see several things clearly.

1. My PTSD was being activated the very same day before my disastrous getting lost/locked out etc. This was work-related; I've been forced to work with a toxic Narc who unloaded Narcissistic Abuse at me in November. I've been feeling unsafe at work since then. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized it and I attributed it to general stress.
2. I'm not ready for intense BDSM at this point b.c of the above. And esp not outside of the bedroom, which had been part of the relationship with Chris.
3. Part of my intensely icky and anxiety-producing NRE about him was Transference. I had a flash of deep insight while processing the other night, and part of it was that he reminds me of a guy I have unresolved feelings for (Andy 😓).

So Chris and I are having dinner tonight and part of this will be the Important Conversation of if we both feel like we want to reset a bit and try again.

I'm feeling very calm bc I know that whatever we decide mutually will be the right thing. We have talked on the phone twice and texted a bit so I think it will at least be a good discussion. I know I will be OK either way. I even have a date set up Friday night with my husband and Bill my other sweetie for a threesome and they will spoil me rotten.

Please note even as a newbie making idiotic mistakes, I didn't let any of this interfere with my husband's dating life.