I think I may have actually found a legit poly partner. I'm seeing so many green flags, it's giving me jitters. I don't trust easily, and assume men to be dishonest. I have a hard time letting my guard down and have even deliberately gone for obviously messed up men in the past, to avoid getting my hopes up only to have them dashed.

For background - my husband and I opened our marriage of 20 years up about 1 1/2 years ago & I quickly realized I was looking for poly. I find hookups & sex without emotional connection to be empty, meaningless, & unsatisfying. I had a partner for 10 months and had to break up with him (addiction, dishonesty, etc). I've been seeing David for 4 months. He & his wife of 20 years opened up about 2 1/2 years ago & they were swinging. They've both been looking for steady partners. He's had a couple short term partners that didn't click.

David & I both have full, busy lives & are invested in our hobbies & careers. He plays sports, has 2 kids playing college sports and one in high school sports, & goes to every game he can. Plus he has a demanding career & has to get on his computer and take calls at all hours. Neither of us has time for more than one partner plus our spouses.

We started out just meeting up for sex & I thought that was all he'd want. His wife had a hard time with it when it started to look like things were going to work out with us. I was his first real NM relationship and they'd been mono for 20 years so I get it. She didn't try to veto anything but I was afraid she would, and so was he. She worked through it though.

I don't know if NRE just hit really late for us, or what. We eased into things slowly and our emotions didn't get intense until just recently. Is that normal? A good sign? My last relationship was very intense immediately, & I've heard that's a red flag. This time things got burning so slowly I was afraid there wouldn't be a fire...I think maybe we were just both being really careful and had our guards up. Plus we didn't want to "catch feelings" and then get veto'd.

He's so different from any man I've known. He's suddenly decided he's totally smitten, & I've never been treated this way before. We usually only see each other once a week & this week he was adamant he wanted to see me twice. I was hesitant & he was persistent. His wife is OK with us seeing each other more often now (my husband has always been OK with twice a week). What's different is he's not all about sex. Sunday, he brought a blanket & we just laid on a hillside at a park for hours (not even making out). We're getting together again tomorrow and, once again, it's not at a motel. He knows I love cycling so he bought a bicycle. He says he wants this to be a long term thing, and he doesn't want to see other women besides me and his wife.

I've got a serious case of the jitters. Is this for real? And - is it OK? Like....what if it bcomes actual love? I keep checking wtih my husband and he keeps saying he's fine. He doesn't object to us seeing eachother once a week and sometimes twice a week, & doing overnights on the rare occasions David can get away with it (without his kids figuring something out). I have little panic attacks about it. Like maybe I need to put a halt to things before the emotions get too big. I told him we really do need to keep it at once a week most weeks, twice sometimes - and he's fine with that....

This is what a healthy poly relationship could start out like, right? I know we barely know each other and we could find out we're not compatible but it sure seems to be getting off to the right start, to me. It's kind of scary! This is like it was when I met my husband (the only other mentally healthy man I've dated).

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