It is the biggest red flag when a partner tries to tell you what you want and how you feel

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Consent is a buzzword that carries a lot of emotion in our society because we use it to refer to sexual consent often, with regards to sexual satisfaction and sexual harm. But truly, consent boils down to—agreement; making sure everyone is on the same page.

We practice consent by asking for what we want and need, giving others the option to participate (or not) in our pursuits. It’s important for us to practice asking for (and sharing) what we want and need 1) to model to others what consent looks like and 2) because others can trust us and rely on us when we respect our own as well as their wants and needs. This helps us nurture bonds which we need to form healthy community and meet our communal needs—such as companionship, reassurance, emotional support, trust, security, etc.

Without consent a loving bond has the potential to become exploitative, scary, unreliable and untrusting, as well as many other qualities which actively deteriorate communal bonds, in turn risking the health and safety of everyone in the community.

Autonomy is something you are born with. Ideally, your caretakers would raise you to recognize that you have the power of choice at all times. Ideally, social and political institutions (friends, families, lovers, cults, schools, public systems) would not systematically disempower people by trying to control their ability to choose.

In relationship anarchy, we empower ourselves and each other when we radically accept that no matter how hard we may try to control the outcome other folks will always have the power to make their own choices. And that is how people drop toxic relationships, escape abuse, and fight against the system. We cannot challenge the forces that threaten healthy loving community without recognizing each of our individual (and our collective) power to do so.

Understanding one’s own power and abilities makes it easier to discern when one or another is truly powerless and therefore needs assistance (ie mutual aid). This is where privilege and power come into play, as we join together as people with varying degrees of marginalization—not because we share each other’s experiences, but because we respect that others should be able to make their own choices, and we fight against the people and systems that try to control the decisions we make.

In our interpersonal relationships, including in polyamory, practicing consent and autonomy looks like actively trying to get on the same page as your loved ones understanding and respecting that they have the freedom of choice. We honor their power to choose, by asking for the things we want (vs. telling them how to think or what to feel). We honor their power to choose, by caring more about their safety and comfort than our own gratification. We honor their power to choose by supporting the choices they make and supporting them if they change their mind.

We honor our own power to choose by being vulnerably honest about what we do and do not want or need, and then following through. We honor our own power to choose by saying no to coercion and persuasion when we are sure of what we want and need. We honor our own power to choose when we choose to love each other every day. And we honor our own power to choose when we part ways, which is sometimes the best way for one to practice consent and autonomy with another person.

And at its most basic, practicing consent and autonomy looks like seeking common ground, as opposed to placating or looking for a specific outcome, as we respect the yeses and nos (and maybes) of others. Being a human already naturally comes with challenges, such as natural disasters and grief. There’s no need for us to put man-made challenges upon each other on top of that. It’s easier for us to live here when we can not only trust in and rely on others, but also when we feel like trustworthy and reliable people. Maintaining control over others is exhausting work (it is exhausting enough to learn to control oneself) and even the most entitled and narcissistic individual will feel lighter when they are relieved of that burden and made to only focus on the things that are truly within their control—like the way they show up for the people around them.

Thoughts? Anything to add or tear apart?