Recently broke up with a partner in part because I’m going through some rough personal drama with one of my novels. The relationship was already emotionally draining at the best of times, and it was this long pattern of me overextending trying to give him the focused attention he needed, while growing resentful that it never seemed to be enough. Things came to a breaking point and while I’m grieving, I am relieved and know it was not sustainable.

I’ve had a few therapy sessions and I had a breakthrough moment where I realized part of the issue is that I don’t have the same needs or capacity in romantic relationships that others do. I am very passionate and romantic, but I don’t fall in love very often, and my two best and most loving relationships have been with extremely independent men.

I have a full-time career but in my off hours, I spend a lot of time on my music and novel-writing. Plus hours every week distance running. I often prefer solitude.

Being with my ex also made me realize that even when I’m with people, I am often in my own head. He was often hurt by this and would frequently yank me back to focus on him, even if we were just chilling or taking a long car ride. It was exhausting. I couldn’t think or just “be”.

He was very family oriented and I am honestly pretty family-averse. I don’t like groups and it’s hard for me to be mentally present for long stretches of time.

I think I just got pretty good at masking. One my friends pointed out that when you first meet me, I come across as friendly and sociable, but as time goes on, I go through periods of obsessive introverted focus. It must be jarring for somebody with more conventional needs.

Anyway. I am very grateful for my current long-term (and fellow hyper-independent) partner, and while I’m still processing my break up, it gave me some valuable insight. And this community has helped me with the shame and sense of guilt I still feel for not being a “normal” girlfriend. I know people have different needs and different ways of showing up, and it doesn’t make me an unloving or bad partner. ❤️‍🩹