Hello beautiful people, I wish to express my relationship concerns and am hoping for you to share any experience or advice you may have.

Disclosure: I also posted this on r/nonmonogamy as I’m interested in hearing both communities’ takes on our chaos. Whilst I heavily feel myself in the poly-camp, my partner being monogamish and kinda closed on emotional connections with others, we are constantly sailing between all the waters (which is very tiring). The post:

My partner and me are closing in on being together for ten years…

We didn’t start off as non-monogamous, but our relationship has undergone various developments over the years and whilst we didn’t expressly state that we should be monogamous, it was the expected default-state, simply because there has never been anything other than monogamy around us. Being 35 myself and her being 30 (now), we grew up in rural Germany (vs a cultural/queer/sex-positive international city), with both our parents being monogamously married and without the exposition to alternative relationship models via the internet or role-models.

Over time we developed our understanding of an alternative relationship as well as further defining our individual identities:

She is bisexual (heavily leaning towards cis-women me, as the only man she needs and wants (her words - her decision!) and monogamish (happy in the relationship with me, but open to the rare shared threesome. She didn’t enjoy experiences without me in the past and thus doesn’t want to play without me (again - her decision! No OPP! Simply her own expressed preference).).

I am pan (leaning towards femininity mainly, especially when fulfilling my classical role of being the dominant male, but sometimes I like to switch and be held by a man. I also prefer the ‘classic’ ‘bisexual’ word vs ‘pan’ (to new-age internet for me. I feel old).) and polyamorous. I like to connect with people emotionally before engaging sexually as I need to build up a lot of trust, due to experiencing SA (so I guess slightly demisexual).

Her being monogamish and me being poly kinda puts us into the non-monogamy camp, as we are constantly navigating hefty waters between her needing exclusive one-on-one time, wanting the odd ffm threesome and me expressively needing to connect with others emotionally and sexually (I always fully disclose my relationship situation so anybody interested in pursuing a relationship with me can make an informed decision to consent).

It’s emotionally hard on her, whenever I start a new relationship, even though I try my best at managing the NRE and (she agrees on this) I do a good job of bringing the new found energy/joy/lust over into our existing relationship (she sometimes gets off on being the cuckquean). But, I rarely get past the ‘Honeymoon-phase’ (first three months), without my long-term partner breaking down over my other relationship. She consents to my needs and wishes and sometimes will express support when I start dating someone new, but after some time the emotional toll/load just gets to much and she ‘breaks down’ (tears, feelings of loneliness/inability to spend time by herself when I’m out dating, calling me during my dates, etc.). Neither mode seems to work beyond the first-three months: involving her into my new relationships or compartmentalizing the relationships. FYI: she did join a relationship once and we three were very happy together for quite some time (we are going to visit our shared-partner in two weeks, who’s invited us to get to know her new partner and newly-born child).

Can anyone relate to our muddled relationship chaos? How do you navigate yours?

Now to my concearn: I am worried, that if we marry, she will default back towards wanting/needing/expecting monogamy - ‘because that’s the whole idea of marriage’. I am worried that we’ll loose the development we have made and she will be unable to further support mentally/emotionally my needs (even though they are mostly on a timer).

Has anyone been able to transition their non-monogamous relationship into marriage with such different personalities/wants and needs?

I’m interested in hearing your opinions.

Thank you in advance.