So I'm debating if polyamory is for me and trying to ask myself a lot of honest questions/examine why I feel the way I feel.

A big point of doubt right now for me is that for some reason, the idea of my partner being with and getting closer with the person they've been with a year before we met doesn't bother me (can feel happy for them) And Especially if I felt they were serious about me too and secure in our love, then I love they have another different connection with this other person.

But the thought of them falling madly in love with someone new makes me feel insecure. Like if I was the only new person, it feels clear what differences we have to the relationship. Meta is the older intimate familiar connection, while ours is the newer and passion filled one. We feel too different to compare. I know the unique things our relationship has that theirs doesn't.

But if a new person came along for my partner, specifically a passionate connection where they fall in love in all ways that's very similar to how we met/fell for each other, I just feel threatened. They'd have NRE with someone new. Lose it with me , I am sure (which i know would happen anyway, but if i remained the new person , i would still have place as this exciting newer connection?). Our connection would feel less special--the main fear driving this. It all felt very mutually special and fated and all that, and I want to keep feeling like it is. I suppose I do have a bit of that monogamous idea of "the one" with them...even though logically I know we can meet and have that with others. Our connection just felt special and very romantic.

Note, I am not very secure in our connection at all currently unfortunately,, as it's very new still and we're on a break and there's things to work out. (Like I feel secondary in a hierarchy I didn't sign up for). So I don't know if these feelings would change if I became more secure and had more time. I feel like I would just want to know and feel that they love me deeply, our connection is special and not replaceable, and doesn't shift if someone else comes in.

I really want to be okay with the one I love loving others and making special connections. I value not wanting to control someone like that and i dont want that expectation on myself to never meet or love someone new, which I believe is possible. But now I wonder why I feel threatened at the thought of someone new coming in but a lot more okay with them getting close current meta?

I feel I can't confidently say I'm poly/ENM unless I'm totally on board and happy at the thought of them dating new people. Really want other perspectives. Has anyone experienced this ? Or see where the problem lies? What are some questions to ask myself??

Highly appreciate all insights!