TL;DR: I think my poly partner might be moving things forward without me and it’s making me question whether my interest in and research on poly is really something I’m doing for me or if I’m trying to keep up and appease her

My partner is poly. She was in a polycule for a time just a few months before we met. Long story short, there were several kinda messy breakups there and my partner felt like she could never again actually fall in love with multiple people, let alone one. Spoiler alert: she did; we’ve been together for nearly 5 years now. However, she maintained through these last 5 years that she didn’t know if or when she could ever see herself dating poly again….until recently. Now I’m not sure if I’m poly BUT I’m wanting to learn more and it’s something I might be open to. We have talked about it here and there the last few years but never in too much depth. Despite my interest and intrigue, I have a lot of anxieties and way too many questions to be jumping into anything anytime soon (and if anyone has resource recommendations, I’d love to hear them!)

I have just recently discovered for the 2nd or 3rd time that my partner has been sending very flirty messages to friends that basically say she’d love to be more than friends someday (the first two times actually happened concurrently with 2 different people). She and I talked a lot about that first time, she’s dropped those friends, and I’ve asked that she focus on strengthening and healing our relationship for the time being (we’ve been going through a little bit of a rough patch). As for the most recent person, I know they’re friends and have been talking for at least a few weeks now but I just discovered the nature of some of their convos. My partner doesn’t yet know I found out but suffice it to say, my feelings are hurt and I’m confused.

Am I wrong to feel this way? She told me that during the first two times, she didn’t mean for anything to happen but with how she was flirting with those two, she left the door wide open for real feelings to develop. There were even potential plans to have one of these people come visit within the next few months to meet us both in person and see where things led (all of these people are online friends and these plans were being talked about before I even knew one of these people’s names). My partner said she can’t help who she is (meaning she can’t help if she can fall in love with more than one person at a time). Maybe not but she can help if she encourages and participates in conversations like the ones she’s been having. I just feel like she’s trying to already have partners lined up so that when and if I do decide to dip my toes in, she can be off to the races. It feels so uncomfortable.

I’m not trying to stop her from being who she is but I wonder if I should just break up with her so we can both do our own thing at our own pace without worrying about hurting the other or if I should just go ahead and let her start dating others whenever she’s ready and maybe I’ll give it a try down the road. Not trying to hold her back but I’m also not trying to feel like I need to rush into something to appease her (if I’m going to be in a poly relationship, I want to do it for me and not just to make my partner happy)

I’m open to other perspectives and advice, I just ask that you be kind. I’m brand new to all this and I already have a lot of mixed feelings; some days I feel super open to the idea and other days I’m terrified it wouldn’t work out and would ruin our relationship.