My (54F) husband (M) and I opened our marriage about a year ago and I quickly realized I lean very strongly the poly direction. I'm most definitely demisexual. I think things are going fine. The transition from mono to nonmono/poly is kinda weird for me though and I just feel llke talking about it.

I saw Brian (47M), a NM guy for most of last year and it was an unhealthy but very stimulating relationship that was satisfying for both of us in so many ways. We developed huge feelings. I had to end it because he has an unregulated personality disorder and addiction issues, and was in a DADT relationship with a woman (Nikki) who was not at all OK with him seeing me. She basically veto'd me and if he wants to see me it would have to be secret so it would be cheating. We still talk but haven't seen each other for about 3 months. Some of the things I loved about seeing him were that he lived alone and could host, his emotions were very intense and I felt like he really needed me, and we had mind-blowing sexual chemistry. He was possessive, became jealous of my husband. He's been reaching out a lot lately. I told him if he ever got sober, got mental help, and got clearance from Nikki to be poly with me I'd love to see him again. Maybe being sober would take care of his mental health issues. I realize there's probably a snowball's chance in hell of that happening.

I started seeing David (48M) a few weeks ago. He's married. He and his wife are swingers who play together and separately, and both of them are looking for long-term FWBs. They've been open for 2 years. David seems to be very mentally stable, mature, caring. He doesn't have addiction or mental health issues and is financially stable. He pays for motels and dates, and seems to be very interested in me. He messages several times a day and we've been seeing each other once or twice a week - sometimes just for lunch or dinner. The relationship isn't intense like it was with Brian - probably because David is mentally stable.

The poly/ENM thing feels kind of confusing for me after being mono my whole life and never knowing any poly/openly NM people. Some of the things that feel weird are:

-David doesn't really identify as poly. His profile on Feeld was looking for "Long term FWB or poly partner" but he has no experience with poly. He and his wife (Hannah) have never done overnights with partners and yet he is caring, loves to cuddle, and says he fantasizes about being able to spend entire nights together. I feel confused about whether I should allow myself to grow feelings/get attached.

-David had bite marks all over the last time I was with him. He says being open and having me as a partner has really improved his sex life with Hannah and things have been incredibly passionate with them lately. That's great! How should I feel about this? I'm not jealous. Can I be special to him when he has such a satisfying sex life? Where do I stand? Can I grow feelings? Is Hannah marking her territory?

-Recently after we got together, I learned he and Hannah had had a swap just the night before. I feel a little weird about that. Like - he sure is having a lot of sex and I better not get attached?

I'm wondering if he and Hannah might stop swinging when she finds her long term FWB/poly partner that she's looking for. I think whenever she's looking/between partners they'll probably swing together and I feel like that's OK.

I wish I could verbalize how I'm feeling....it's an unfamiliarity with this way of being. Having a relationship with somebody that doesn't involve "ownership" is so unfamiliar. It still feels weird to me that my husband is OK with me seeing other men .

Is it normal to see someone and not really have strong feelings for them? Should I just give it some time? I'm hesitant to give it so much time that I do grow feelings, and then find out David is truly not poly....but it feels like he is. He's said things like "I want you to know I'll always give you as much respect as I give my wife," and talking about fun things he wants to do together this summer.

What if, by some miracle, Brian DID get sober and Nikki DID give the green light? Would it be OK for me to see both David and Brian? That's just such a weird concept to me still....I guess it's OK LOL. That's what poly is, right?