Hello!

So I (30F) am pretty fresh to trying out enm with my partner (33M) of 8 years. We ‘tested’ it out with a some dates while traveling to a lot of success (both enjoyed ourselves, and I honestly have never felt closer to him because it’s made us really work out communication as well as why we are with each other in the first place the thought of having sex with other people really turns both of us on).

All sunshine and rainbows right? Well, we live in a city - but it still has a ‘small town’ feel to it as you can run into people you know pretty regularly. For example we have some friends (31F, 33M) who recently opened their relationship to enm, went on the dating apps and people in different friendship circles have asked me about their ‘situation’ sent me screenshots of the male in the couple on tindr (I told them the situation and that it was consensual with which I received a lot of judgment from my friends that they must not be ‘happy’). Another of my friends has run into the male while he was on a date. This is all just to illustrate how small our town is - btw this couple thinks they are being low profile even though everyone in our friendship circle now knows and all my friends know (for clarification we’re not trying to out them people have all found out on their own).

This is all to say that my partner does not want to do OLD in our city & won’t let me tell any of my friends what we are doing (his reasoning is that it is our secret - anything I disclose necessarily includes that he is doing this too and has probably gone on dates too). His job is very network based and he’s concerned that if it gets out it will hurt his career (which is valid). This makes me feel restricted and like I can’t be myself. I’m dying to talk to someone about this because I feel like my whole life has changed. Plus I really need to talk about the dates/get advice as I’m trying to date women for the first time and it is harddd (we’re a cliche, I’m aware).

Do you all tell your friends or select friends? My partner says this is his boundary but I’m saying this is encroaching on my life/freedom. I’m not sure tbh. I understand and respect his concerns about the secrecy.

Also any tips for dating organically??? I’m such an introvert OLD has been the best way for me to ask people out.

TLDR; I want to tell my friends about trying enm but partner is afraid of word spreading and doesn’t want me to. Plus possible dating tips for smaller cities that are maybe not the most progressive.

Thanks everyone in advance! This whole community has opened my eyes to an alternative way of living that has taught me so much about relationships/communication/being queer.

Edit: thanks everyone for all the suggestions will definitely try to find some more enm friends and check in with my partner about what he wants in the meantime - figure out ourselves before letting other people in. I’ve reposted this to the r/non monogamy sub but thanks again for all the advice!