Reflecting back on 2023, the big journey for me has been one into the world of polyamory. This is something my wife and I have been discussing for years and a decision that we've not taken lightly. One of the things that I was not really ready for was the realisation that I have low self-esteem and the impact that dating would have on worstening that self esteem.

Unfortunately, as I think we all know by now, the man to woman ratio is seemingly way off in the community. So finding suitable women has been challenging as I think many of the women are over capacity already. As a result I've had a very small number of matches and of course most of those matches are not actually people I'm compatible with for a variety of reasons, and of course for every 1 nice person I've met and have so far retained as friends, I've had a whole bunch that turned nasty or just ghosted me. In most cases I don't really see what, if anything I've done wrong. Though there were admittedly a couple of occasions where I could have done things better or said things better, but I'm only human after all. Because finding matches is such a rare commodity, I've also occasionally caught myself ignoring flags or simply keeping going when I perhaps should have checked out already with a person that clearly wasn't right for me. All obvious in retrospect but at the time I didn't see it (or perhaps didn't want to)

Sadly, despite logically knowing that it's just difficult to find the right people, I've found that my self esteem has taken a battering from all the ghosting, the lack of matches and so on. My inner critic seems to be getting a lot of ammunition telling me that I'm just not a good person, that I always say the wrong things, that I'm not attractive, or boring, that nobody will want someone with a disability like mine, and so on.

I've also come to realise that I haven't really been valuing myself, this is partially because I've not known how to. My parents are all about money, status and keeping up appearances, and so I was taught that my worth as a person was directly related to career, how much money I made, what job title I had, how traditionally "successful" I was and in order to facilitate that you must'nt show weakness or emotion. I was desperate for their approval so I chased all those things for many many years. As I've grown older I've realised that it didn't matter how far up the chain I made it, or how much I earned, it was ultimately unfulfilling and I would never get that approval that I desired. I've since abandoned that chase and now see work as just a meant to facilitate my lifestyle. Quite frankly if I could retire tomorrow I would. But though I felt a lot healthier after stopping chasing all that stuff, I now realise that while I no longer value myself in those things, I hadn't replaced them with new things to value in myself and as a result I didn't value myself at all.

I've been working on this a bit recently, trying to figure out what I bring to the table and why a woman with so many options would maybe not just want to choose me, but in fact maybe even be lucky to have me. Such as, "I may not be everyone's particular cuppa tea, but I'm not ugly", I'm respectful, I'm honest and open, I'm compassionate and in touch with my feelings, I at least recognise that I can improve as a person and do the work to do so, I'm good at holding down decent conversation, I've a decent sense of humour, I can geek out with the best of them and I am up for trying new things and I know how to be patient. I've strength enough to fight off an addiction for over 5 years as well as coping with life changing illness, I'm good at listening and I'm always there for my friends. There are others too but trying to keep it SFW.

In doing this I feel more able to recognise that one of my issues was that I started elevating other people above me, worrying mainly about what they think of me and what I have to offer them rather than also thinking about what they offer me. I've been focusing on my negative points and ignoring many of theirs. I've realised that I need to value myself, and not just in the dating world but this is also true in other areas, being a friend or husband or father. Sorry if it sounds a little arrogant but I'm starting to realise that I do have value, that I'm not so bad at it all as I tell myself and maybe, just maybe I deserve the attention of other people.

I'm wondering what other people do to quieten their inner critic and to build their own self esteem. I don't want it to come from an external place, I want it to come from me and be about the things I value rather than being about what others think of me. Are there any other exercises that you undertake in order to reinforce your self esteem?

As a side note, I know that this doesn't mean that it's any easier for the women as it is for men, of course it is, and in some areas it can be far worse for women. There are of course different challenges involved, but I still feel like we men don't talk about mental health and self esteem issues enough so I wanted to focus on that.