TW: suicide mention

I labeled this a vent only because I wasn't a huge fan of the other options. And I don't know what I'm looking for - support? Hard truths? Someone(s) to talk to? I tend to write and write when I'm all twisted inside.

Short story is I fell head over heels in love with someone and then completely blew up the relationship thanks to me poorly managing my real feelings/behavior. I was open and honest and then escalated to ending the relationship because I was so hurt when they didn't want the same things I wanted. It's so hard in the moment for me to tell if it's really time to breakup or I am having a mental health crisis where I feel completely valid in my choices/thoughts. This probably doesn't make a ton of of sense. Feel free to look at my post history to see the story. I'm still in heartache.

I attempted suicide and ended up involuntarily in the mental hospital for 10 days for overdosing on Klonopin. It was so ignorant and traumatic. I was finally let go today and now that I am home, I come home to see a huge box of things I purchased for that partner and their family for Christmas. It was mixed in with other things I ordered for myself so I went through all of it just sadly thinking how much they would have loved my gifts (I'm a thoughtful gift giver and put a lot of effort into finding things I think someone would truly love). Now that I did all that, I realize I probably just should have not done that. The sadness.

Do I even want open/poly relationships? I have no idea. I can't afford to allow myself to get like this again but my brain is my own worst enemy. I am entering intensive outpatient therapy next week so hopefully I don't find myself in this position again. As far as I can tell, said partner blocked me on every platform. I've done some real hurt to someone I loved.

Tldr: Breakups are hard, especially when you feel like you were at soulmate level and your brain chemicals suck. I've always been a "time heals all pain" and am trying to keep that in mind. This one will take me a bit of time. Thanks for listen or read.