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I have really messed up...
In August, my (41f) lover (49m) pressured me repeatedly over the course of about an hour to have barrier free sex (during a session and at times fairly assetively). I held the line and we did not. However, for some reason I was really traumatized by this experience for a long time after (still am a bit) and I told a mutual friend of ours. Given this information, as well as an earlier experience with this same lover, said friend now thinks very poorly of lover.
I feel I need to tell lover about this to give him opportunity to repair with friend. I feel very badly about it but think I need to take accountability. At the same time, I'm a bit all over the place because I did need support and it's also my story. This is my first poly relationship but a big learning here is that mutual friends are not the place to go. I feel terrible that I wasn't wise enough to realize that before/let my feelings get the better of me.
I think I may have lost friend and lover through this and I'm really sad about that.
I'm still...3 months later...trying to decide if he's my ex. I'm really struggling to let go but yeah it's also really hard for me to trust him. In my experience he's not a monster...people are complex...multiamory podcast has a really good episode on how we have all violated consent. Just processing and I'm all over the place with it.
Thanks. It's nice to feel validated. I feel so fucked up about it and I just cannot figure out why when in the end it was all psychological and nothing happened, you know? So it's nice to be reminded that the distress is real and justifiable.
Thanks. I think the addition piece is that the sex didn't happen. So, I'm gonna be upset that I had to say no like 50 times and end a relationship over it? My brain doesn't get it. But, if I'd given in I'd almost more understand it as real? I'm gaslighting myself constantly...
This resonates. It's been a long tough recovery for sure and I still dunno...thanks for being understanding.
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Thanks for this. I think that's part of it...I want it to not be a big deal. I want to forgive and rebuild. But there's very little support for that. I can also totally see from my friends shoes, it sucks. People shouldn't treat people like this. I know.
And the ambiguity of it makes it worse! My brain can't believe I was assaulted when nothing happened. But the only reason nothing happened was because I kept saying no. But my heart can't believe I can trust.