I (26NB) have been with Ivy (26NB) for 2.5 years, and with Holly (32NB) for about 7 months. Before I started dating Holly, the three of us were really good friends. Since getting together with Holly and falling in love with them, Ivy and Holly's relationship has been strained because of growing pains in the change of relationship dynamic, although we are still all good friends and openly on good terms.

Ivy and my relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, but we've been having a particularly rough time the past 6 months or so - a lot more fighting than usual. We had a few sessions of couples therapy, but can't afford to keep going even though it was helping us. In particular our sexual life has suffered because of this growing hurt and lack of trust with each other. Meanwhile, my relationship with Holly has been going incredibly well, to the point that it feels like solace sometimes.

This, among a lot of other personal things, makes Ivy feel incredibly insecure. They constantly compare the way I treat them to the way they believe I treat Holly (which is with the utmost love and adoration that they feel they no longer have access to). Ivy says that I constantly reject them, when I have explained to them in the past that I don't always understand what they are trying to communicate if they don't actually say explicitly say what they mean (so a rejection to Ivy might mean I wasnt even aware there was a proposal). Whenever a topic of sex or romantic boundaries come up, Ivy feels like they aren't getting something that Holly is. (For example, Ivy showed me a nude photo and I pointed out that this particular photo involved something that turned me off. They became upset and said that I would have liked it if it was a photo of Holly doing the same behavior, which is not true.) Ivy is convinced that I find them repulsive, while I worship the ground on which Holly walks. I cuddle with Ivy, I flirt with them and compliment them, I express interest in sex, but if I do anything that makes Ivy feel rejected (such as not going to bed at the same time as them), it becomes about how awful I make Ivy feel about themselves and how repulsive they must be to me.

The truth is, the relationships are very different to me, and so are the sex lives. I desire and enjoy sex with both of them, but not necessarily in equal forms. Holly communicates differently, shows affection and arousal differently, and touches differently, and so how we interact sexually and romantically is different. And to be fair, I have a virtually unblemished past with Holly that has been 97% positive, whereas my relationship with Ivy has been a lot longer and more challenging and painful at times - so naturally my feelings for each relationship and my desire for intimacy are different.

I don't feel like there is anything I can do to make Ivy feel loved properly while maintaining my own boundaries and the ability to prioritize myself sometimes (for example, Ivy loves physical touch, which can be difficult and heavy for me. I touch Ivy as much as I feel comfortable with because I know it's important to them, but it's not enough for them.) I feel like Ivy's insecurities are internal to them and what they're going through, but they blame me for making them feel this way. Is there a way to support their feelings when they seem so internally rooted? I want them to understand that I love both of my partners in different ways, and the relationships are different from each other. I want them to feel loved and value the way that I love them.

Tl;dr: My partner Ivy is insecure about themselves and often compare themselves with my other partner Holly, who Ivy feels inferior to and threatened by. How can I support Ivy's feelings when they seem to be internally rooted?

will delete later