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My(37afab non binary) NP (38m) partner and I haven't had sex or been overly intimate in quite a while (not a year, but maybe around 6months). I have a boyfriend who is my Dom (36m) and we've been together for a little under 2 years NP and I have been together for 16years and have 2 children (7 and 11)
NP hasn't dated anyone since we opened up 3.5 years ago, whereas I have, and have had a handful of relationships. He has however had a couple of fwb partners and encounters.
Unfortunately near the start of our poly journey he cheated and broke a bunch of my boundaries, and what we had previously agreed on as rules
The main one of which is that we do t play or otherwise with people outside of (below) our age range
Generally speaking this is around a decade younger as a cut off
Since the cheating event I have made great efforts in rebuilding our relationship and my trust in him and his choices. He however has lost confidence in himself and his mental health has suffered. I am supporting him as best I can with everything but the lack of intimacy for him is a hurdle, but his betrayal still effects me emotionally, and so I find it harder to bring myself to intimacy with him.
I want him to be able to be intimate with others, and to help grow his self confidence and mental health back up. I recognise that I cannot do it alone and have started to resent that it still seems to largely be on mento support him alone at times, especially when I've had to default my own feelings to support his.
Back to the question
My major personal boundary is; "I do not feel comfortable with my partners being intimate with people who are more than a decade younger. If they choose to behave in this way I will reassess our relationship and whether is it compatible with my own morality and personal standards"
The majority of the interest NP has had from others has been from people who fall into that category, including the person he cheated with, who is currently 22 (a 16 year difference, so not even close to).
Normally I'd encourage him to pursue it and have some fun, but my boundary bprevents it, alongside the possibility of it reopening that initial betrayal trauma (there was more to the incident than just their age gap)
So have I inadvertently created a rule for him(NP) that if he chooses to sleep with this person, that I'll be ending our relationship? Or is it fair for me to maintain this?
There is a lot of complicating factors, but I'd really appreciate some outside perspective
I think the advice tag is right for this, but a few others (support, cheated on) could also fit tbh
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- 1 year ago
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