I recently started dating someone who is married. I’m doing a lot of work on learning about polyamory, and doing my best to manage expectations and be realistic. My partner and I recently discussed the possibility of traveling together. Initially, my partner was enthusiastic about the possibility which fed into an expectation for me that this is something we might eventually get to do together. The next time it came up, my partner stated that they had to check with their spouse, but they were sure it would be fine.

This left me wondering if this is something I should address with my partner. The possibility of traveling together is something I believe gives us both positive feelings and is something we want to do together. I don’t necessarily love the idea of needing to ‘ask the spouses permission’ . If my partner and their spouse decided to take a trip together, I would be informed, but not necessarily consulted, and frankly I wouldn’t expect to get to have the power to have an opinion anyway.

I do understand a marriage and living together come with certain responsibilities that have to be addressed before my partner and I can realistically have our trip. I obviously expect my partners spouse to be informed, be allowed to provide feedback and have a voice. I also want to be realistic in managing my expectations. They travel a lot together and have been together much longer than my partner and I have. I don’t want to be asking for things my partner cannot realistically do or provide. I do believe all three of us are people with good intentions and I have a close, friendly relationship with my partners spouse as well.

Ideally I would prefer an ‘I need to inform my spouse we want to do the thing and work on making a plan that is comfortable for everyone’ to a ‘I need to ask my spouse permission to do the thing, but if they say no we just don’t get to’ . Am I out of line or is this something I should address with my partner?