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So I (41f) have been seeing my boyfriend (49m) for just over a year. We both also have primary partners. We see each other every 2 weeks.
We're non monog clearly so seeing other people is a thing. We have a thing where we reassure each other the next morning of our continued care. He did that this morning, after a date I didn't know he had scheduled. And dropped in the text that he had spent the night. This was with a person he is very new to dating and definitely would have been planned.
He has always told me that his primary doesn't like overnights and I have never pressed it. So we have never had one. I told him I felt insecure about him doing that when we havent and when i thought he couldnt. And his response was a request that I drop the insecurity, and to offer me an overnight.
I feel pretty hurt. Am I wrong to express that? I don't expect him not to, but when I thought that wasn't an option I'm not sure how to process.
Thanks for this.
I appreciate the comment and opportunity to reflect on reassurance after dates. He had reached out once after a date I did know he had, the first one he did after we started dating. I had said I appreciated it, but I really didn't need to know about this one and I think he reached out primarily to tell me he had spent the night.
As it turns out, he tells me now that he has always been allowed overnights and just hadn't had that conversation with me. But...I had mentioned overnights before and his response was always that his partner didn't like them. I'm trying to be understanding, but I'd never be one to pressure an agreement with a primary so I always read that as no and feel hurt.
I'm not sure if I'm being fair in that...I know I'm not entitled to an overnight just because someone else was, but I feel so undervalued that we just never even had that talk and that we didn't talk about this beforehand...even as a courtesy. That I instead found out through a flippant text that makes me question a multitude of our prior conversations...
So actually he has now told me he has always been allowed overnights and it just takes some talk with his partner.
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Thanks. I'd just add that this person he has only been on a few dates with whereas we have been dating for over a year. So it kinda sucks he did this elsewhere for me. But I'm not sure if that's fair.