Okay, complex story here as my (F50s) wife just had an intense week with an M/F couple and totally ignored my/our expectations and plans about it. She didn't figure that out until we were talking days later (and after having sex ourselves a few times), and I went "wait, you didn't use condoms?! You had two sleepless nights of everything-goes sex with new people who were in our city on a trip and you came home and didn't think I deserved that info so I could make my own decisions on safety?" We had no agreement that this was okay. Also, she'd been asking everyone for STI testing results up front, and she just didn't check theirs. Just took their word that they hadn't been with others since they were last tested for unspecified diseases at an unspecified time. Turns out they don't have any test results to show and can't remember exactly what was tested for, and it was more than a year ago.

This is not our agreement, and she came home and had amazing sex with me multiple times. It was precious and almost sacramental, as we are coming out of a really difficult time that we have really worked together to survive. It's been scary and painful and the sun was coming out. Thing is, I wouldn't have agreed to that lovely sex if I had known the health risks she'd taken with this couple, and she just left her condoms in her purse. It's the first nonconsentual sex of my life and it's with my wife of 15 years.

She's coming out of a horrible year dealing with an abusive situation and post-traumatic stress, and is just starting to feel human again after drug- and trauma-related depersonalization. Some of the trauma left her needing to re-figure out her sexuality, and she got really excited about that with this couple as it gave her some new experiences she needed and they were really cool and she felt safe.

Okay, so what do I do with this? My body feels shut down, because nonconsentual sex. The amazingness of that sex which I so badly needed has been stripped away, and im grieving that. The situation with the couple was good for her physically and emotionally and I was really supportive otherwise. I know this won't happen again because she's horrified at what she did and how she didn't even think about it. However, we had such a deep and perfect level of trust and honesty and now that's not so 100% trustworthy. She was just coming back to sexual life after the last year, and we haven't fully reconnected for a long enough period of time. I need her desperately to help heal some of my own pain at losing our sexual and emotional connection for that time, and now I can't even touch her. I feel betrayed and I'm closing up into a little hard ball.

I don't want to lose this relationship but I can't make my body even let her hug me, and I don't know a way forward.