Hello good people,

My (35m, pan) partner (29f, bi) and I have been together for over eight years, but my partner won't actively invest into our poly-lifestyle.

Am I expecting too much? Is my partner not communicating her boundaries properly? How do you distribute the work?

Background: We are experienced in V-, triad- and throuple-set-ups. One throuple was very special, as we dared to dream of setting up a family together (before she broke our hearts).

But: my partner won't invest the work needed.

Whilst she is monogamish by nature, she has fallen heavily in love, always enjoys the sex and has thanked me on multiple occasions for giving her the opportunity to push her own boundaries and thus explore her bisexuality and her own personality more deeply, than she would have the opportunity for in a monogam relationship.

It is always I who meets the new people, sets-up the dates, creates safe-environments for sex (including aftercare) or emotional exchanges and communicates in general. I study the knowledge by reading the books, listening to the podcasts and surfing the www. I always make sure, all participants have free-choice at all times, including exit-options (an alternative place to sleep, instead of the shared-bed, etc.). Consent is key.

I have two basic rules for (all) my (poly-) relationships: I require my partners to make concious decisions and thus also take responsibility for their decisions - i.e relationships between consenting adults. The relation between to people is unique - i.e. if the third wants to be included in a triad- or a throuple, the legwork has to be made. The other two parties have to build their relationship, it isn't included by entering a relationship with me. The second one is important, as relations progress differently, especially emotionally. It is very rare (and tiring) for three people to fall in love at the same time together.

My partner will only follow rule Nr.2., if she has a crush on the third - if she doesn't, then she refuses to actively communicate with the other, but she also refuses to communicate with me about the other, pushing me away and thus creating emotional distance between us, which hurts both of us. She doesn't have to engage in a relationship with my other partner, but she then complains about being left out. She'll then also complain about not-being included into any decision-making.

Her behaviour isn't only sabotaging my other relationship, but is permanently hurting our relationship by being emotionally one-sided and it is erroding my trust in her as a reliable partner.

Am I doing something wrong?

I am very much hoping for your insights - thank you

EDIT: My wording is bad: 'Rules', 'Third', 'to follow...' are all written badley and are sending the wrong message: my partner and I are both activley working on deepening our bond - and we are struggling in navigating the common ground. We have long-lasting plans and are very grateful for one-another. My wording is actually off extremly badley, because what I really don't want to do, is hurt her. And I am searching for ways to communicate my needs and respect hers. Don't worry, my other partner is fine too. I do hope that more people are willing to work on their relationship, than the responses indicate. When something ist broken, we don't throw it away, we mend it - like in the times before the internet.