I don't want to get into the whole story, it's...very complicated. My ex also browses here sometimes and I don't feel comfortable airing personal details like that in public.

I know I hurt this person, I got too wrapped up in work, I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself, I took them for granted, and I made them feel unloved.

I just can't be part of a process that's nothing but blame and anger. She has a right to be angry but not to the extent where I'm just being yelled at and not heard. I hurt them but that doesn't mean being someone else's punching bag until they've worked out enough anger to be ready to treat me like a person is somehow healthy or kind.

Part of why this hurts is this person was a huge part of how I learned to start thinking about the future. Before them I was so used to living in survival mode, just one day at a time, I never thought about the future. They needed that and it forced me to start thinking more long term and I just always saw this future with them that I have to accept isn't possible anymore.

It doesn't help that this really kicked off when a new partner came into the mix. It really felt like she found someone who could do all the fun things she wanted and who wasn't suffering from health problems and said "I could work on things but I've got what I want taken care of so I'd rather just not try."

I keep telling myself I don't need people who will treat me like that in my life. My head knows it. My heart is taking longer to hear that.

There's a thing I found a while back that's been helping with a lot of this, maybe it'll help someone else.

A future version of yourself that is free from fear and insecurity is not more worthy of love and care than you are right now.