Please note, these opinions/advice/stories are purely my own, and what works for me, in a hierarchy where I am the secondary, not-nesting partner.

Here are a few things that might help you in your journey.

1. A boundary is a boundary, same with a hard limit - these are not toys. They are not to be held over anyone's head. Stop yourself from saying things like "I wish we were allowed to..." Or "if you weren't partnered we could..." This is toxic and manipulative.

2. Nesting/primary privilege is real, and it sucks - you might notice rules, limits, and boundaries you are asked to adhere to that aren't also applicable to other relationships in the hierarchy. This can be difficult, but clear communication, asking for what you want, and weighing your positive benefits and drawbacks is important.

3. Don't become the Vacation Partner - look, it's great that your partner only wants to fuck/talk about fun stuff etc - and if that works for you, great! But sometimes, as humans, we need more of a connection. We all have bad days. Don't allow your partner to ever make you feel like a bad secondary if you are feeling unwell, or not up to something. Inspect what this secondary relationship really is - is your partner escaping from their primary or are they actually invested in you as a secondary?

4. Drop the competitive spirit - just drop it. Stop comparing yourself, your relationship, your boundaries, rules, etc to the primary relationship. You have a separate, unique relationship with your partner. Stop inviting your metas into your room when they aren't there!

5. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Is it painful for you when your partner talks about going to the farmers market with their primary? Do you hate that your partner will only do anal with their nesting partner? Then put up a boundary that you're not interested in hearing about those things, and then - don't ask. Just don't. You know it hurts, you can't do anything about it, so save yourself the pain.

6. Do the relationship escalator*** (non escalating relationship exercise as stated in a comment) exercise and reevaluate your relationship often - this goes for everyone all the time. As soon as something isn't lining up, it's time for a conversation.

Edit: apologies again for posting and then getting hyperfocused on work! Some great conversations happening here, and interesting perspectives