Yesterday was my wife’s first date with someone else and while I felt like I was okay with it I had difficulty with the loneliness of the situation!

I’ve not had much luck with meeting people at all which is to be expected I suppose as the pool of men out there is much bigger than the pool of women and given I’m genuinely not looking for ONS I’m further limiting my pool of interest!

When I picked her up yesterday emotions were flat on both sides, she’d felt weird about kissing and so on with another guy that wasn’t me! She talked a lot about her worries over whether he liked her or if she talked too much and got lost a few times taking him places and so on! I tried to be reassuring to her but if I’m honest I needed reassurance myself at this time (I know not an attractive quality) as I was feeling alone and I’d been stressed all day worrying about her safety!

Anyway we got home and I made a few bids for affection and for about an hour I started to feel like we were reconnected. So we took ourselves off from home so we could talk about it without listening ears and there was frankly a huge misunderstanding on my part about something she had said previously about this guy. I said something callous and she got offended by it, at first I tried to backpedal and on our way home explain where it came from but as I did I became frustrated and eventually angry and I lost my cool and started to lash out!

I said a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t mean! She obviously got upset it’s a small house and was crying in the bedroom, I could feel myself building to a panic attack and then I felt I couldn’t cope and went to sit out in the car but the kids were staring at me through the curtains so I ended up driving off!

Pulling over in a nearby lay-by and then having what was probably the worst panic attack of my entire life! I felt utterly worthless (an ongoing problem of mine) and I hated myself for hurting her and that mixed in with all my insecurities I was in a really bad place.

In that moment i felt utterly convinced that she deserved better than me anyway, that I was a terrible father, only a shadow of myself (because of my disability), not a good provider etc etc! I was at a very low point. We had a large number of texts exchanged and after I felt able to breathe a little again I came back home, we talked a little and went to bed!

Understandably she is now of the opinion that she doesn’t want to continue on with it as it makes me feel so bad! I’ve tried to explain that it’s not the situation really and that the things I said in the heat of the moment were just lashing out! I am genuinely happy that she seems to have found some new connection and I don’t want her to put an end to it but I have insecurities of my own which aren’t new this just brought it to the surface!

I want to work on these issues but feel like I’ve robbed her of what could have been a genuine connection with someone she liked! She was talking about meeting up with him again before I had my meltdown!

I genuinely believe in the values of polyamory and so I feel like I’ve messed up big time a my actions do not match up with my values! I feel like a horrible person right now and guess what that’s reinforcing my insecurities! What a mess I am!