I always felt like a "normal" relationship was too limiting for me. It made sense to me, once I had the vocabulary, that a person could have multiple relationships simultaneously and that they could be healthy.

I would say it's not about the body you're in, it's about who you are. Gender doesn't come into the discussion of why I might like a person. My family has always been very "hands-off" in places where bigotry might form, at least when it came to raising me and teaching me about relationships. I was allowed to think for myself and was only pushed into normative roles by my own perceived expectations.

These things remained true as I fumbled into my first relationship. I tried to fit myself into the box I was expected to fit into, but the box was too small. I tried and tried and tried before coming to the conclusion that I needed to finally explore this whole multiple relationships thing.

This is where the bad faith comes in. I was married by this point. Unhappy. Broken. In need of more attention and support than my spouse was capable of giving. So I asked for more attention, more support. I didn't have the right words, I didn't approach it calmly, I was in distress and my spouse didn't seem to care.

I gave them time to alter their behavior without altering my own. Like I said, broken. I didn't put in the work because I had no idea what I was doing. They didn't put in the work because they didn't know how, and thought that it was a temporary thing, not an ongoing thing.

After a time I asked for more again. They were at a loss, they thought they'd done enough. The reality was I needed not only more than they were able to give, but I needed therapy. I was scared. "What if" was a constant thought. I asked to open the relationship. I said to myself they could do whatever they wanted, I may have even said so to them. I told them nothing would happen without them knowing. I said our home would be a haven away from things happening. I said a lot. I lied. I paid the price there, still paying it honestly.

I fucked around and found out. I was assaulted by two and coerced by at least two others. I falsely represented myself online trying to garner the attention of anyone. I lowered my standards to the absolute floor. "Will they pay attention to me? Does it feel good? Do they fit into my fantasy image of being taken away from the life I'm living right now? Perfect, I'll take ten!"

I cheated. Plain and simple. I cheated on my spouse and hid it for months. I claimed a relationship style that was deeply untrue, but gave me the freedom to seek my next hit of attention. I was so deeply broken I didn't care about anything at that point.

We divorced at my request, they felt we might still be able to salvage something but I needed to run away. And that's exactly what I did. I hid inside another, less stable relationship and told myself I could be happy with this person. That blew up too, but not because of me cheating, rather they were an abusive gaslighting asshole who didn't anticipate going against someone with a memory like a steel bear trap.

I did a lot of self learning, a lot of very personal work. I'm not desperate for attention anymore. I found people who gave me security in our relationships. I found people who were in awe of the reality of me. I found people who allowed me to be my whole self in ways I had never been before, and I was finally able to start loving myself in earnest.

I'm happier now than I have memory of and I have the freedom to explore relationships outside my primary/nesting partner. But for the first time in a long long time, I don't feel the need to search out attention from others. I'm safe, secure in loving this person, and we're both so excited for each other when a new person of interest comes up. The compersion is wild.

We see a lot of asks about troubles that happen in relationships, as do many of the other relationship subs. I wanted to share an abridged version of my story, as it's been a journey to get here, and it's the sort of thing I'd like to see more of. Relationships are messy, but finding the ones that work can be intensely rewarding.